Some Thoughts on (My) Anxiety

Hello friends, family, friends of friends, family of friends, and friends of family,

This post is going to be far more personal than any of the other posts, which up to this point I have really tried to keep as sort of travel journal-like. This is going to be an entirely personal blog post, and so to those who don't know me personally, and only read this blog because you know Tam or Rachel, or are just curious how you should GO BIG on the Big Island, this probably won't be an entirely interesting post for you to read.

Unless, of course, you also suffer from anxiety or are close to someone who does.

Recently an event occurred in my life that triggered a bout of anxiety. I don't feel that it would be appropriate to detail the situation that was the said trigger, but it was of a personal nature. The anxiety that followed was interesting for several reasons:
1) I was hopeful that living in this healing place with no daily sources of stress would have resulted in me being able to deal with anxiety when it reared its ugly head, and it clearly did not.
2) I typically deal with my spirals into becoming an anxious mess by removing myself from the people around me, so that I can deal with whatever ugly things spring from my ego during such times; that was not something I could do this time.
3) Having no work, schoolwork, television, etc, to distract my thoughts while I'm feeling anxious meant that I could more clearly and coherently analyze my thoughts and actions during this time.

I feel that it would be appropriate for me to describe how I feel during my anxiety "episodes" (I call this an episode, and not an attack, as it is a sensation that lasts for several days, and is persistant but arguably controllable, whereas an attack usually lasts a few hours or shorter and is entirely outside of any sort of control, for the most part.) I have been dealing with anxiety for 6 years now. It has always manifested most notably in physical sensations. These sensations are primarily the feeling that I can't breathe properly (that my feeling is shallow, even it isn't,) nausea, and fatigue. I also become rather raw...I am almost completely unable to filter my emotions or thoughts, let alone what I say to other people.

Considering how uncomfortable, self-concious, and insecure I feel when I'm anxious, it shouldn't be surprising that what happens when I interact with other people is usually not polite and measured conversations. I have a tendency to be blunt even when I'm feeling healthy, and this trait is multiplied many-fold so that I can become rude, even abrasive, and this instigates feelings of incredible remorse (because I consistently strive to not be unkind to others,) which in turn fuels more feelings of insecurites, which in turn fuels more anxiety, and thus more nastiness from me. It's an entiely unfortunate positive feedback loop for every one involved, which is why I tend to shy away from interacting wtih people when I feel the anxiety coming on.

This time, however, my episode coincided with a lovely trip that Rachel and Tamarah had planned to explore the island a bit. The trip was to last 3 nights and days, all of us of course together all of the time. Realizing I wasn't feeling well, I thought that I should stay behind, at least for the first day and a half of the trip. Tamarah and Rachel convinced me to go, arguing (reasonably) that the incessant rain that has been plaguing Hilo and Honomu the past couple weeks might be part to blame, and that I should get out to Kona and Pahoa, where it was sure to be more sunny, Sunlight had always made me feel better, so I agreed to tag along with them.

Sometimes I was okay--the first day was kind of rough for everyone, but I slowly became more competent at controlling my emotions, and thus I tried desperately hard to not bring Rachel and Tam down too much. But it was hard--I needed time alone, to process my emotions as I do everytime I feel anxious; it was hard because I felt like a burden to the other ladies; it was hard because neither of them have (fortuanately) had the unfortune of experiencing anxiety, so they could not relate to me. I felt as though they were tiptoeing around me, which of course was a correct reaction on their part, but made me feel ridiculous. I was petulant, irritable, and my sense of humor was all but gone.

I don't like mysef when I'm like that. I mean, who would? I used to have a pretty bad temper, and I was fairly arrogant for most of my life. Those traits are still definitely a part of me, but I try to monitor them, to control them, so that when they do rear their heads, it's in a way that the people close to me can almost find them endearing. I try to be patient, thoughtful, a good listener, and a good friend. There's this idea in Greek philosophy of "arete," or "personal excellence." I learned about this my sophomore year of high school and it is something that continues to pervade my thoughts, especially when I am definitely NOT my personal best. I strive to not be a hypocrite, to be the type of genuine person that I hope the people around me to be.

My anxiety is my own persistent reminder that I can not achieve personal excellence. Sometimes I find it really really very hard to process stress and emotions like those around me seem to do with ease. I choose to surround myself with people who I admire, and I look at these people, and I wish to be like them. Most of my friends in college also worked 30+ hours per week along with taking 4 or 5 classes. They all had to balance their social life, their school work, their work work, and their health, and they all did it SO WELL. I learned in high school (when my anxiety first manifested) that I can't pile everything I possibly want to on to my plate; I can't handle it. But I ignored that lesson time and time again because I was embarrassed. Why can't I handle it? Every one always tells me their impressed with me because I put so much on myself and do it all well. Well, I can't handle it well. Is there any reason for people to admire me if I can't handle these things? Is there any reason for me to admire myself if I can't achieve my personal excellence?

So these pressures sit on my shoulders, making me tight. I shied away from things where I would be compared to others (except school,) which often meant that I did no sort of physical activity. My friends would often invite me to go hiking or climbing with them, and more often than not I refused. I did not want to be slower than them hiking, did not want to be clumsier than them climbing, and have them see me as weak. Not that they would ever think of me that way, as they are lovely people. But I didn't want to slow them down in any way; my fear at not being perceived as excellent thus caused this twisted source of anxiety.

Thank goodness I have such wonderful friends and families and teachers and coworkers. Like I said, I choose to surround myself with those who I admire, people who are genuine and flawed but by all means real and shining and beautiful. If I didn't have such people in my life, I would be a complete mess and a half. Instead these people see me becoming insecure, arrogant, quick-tempered, or desperately clinging to the things that make me comfortable, and they quietly encourage me to grow. They encourage me through example, themselves all being wonderful people. They encourage me through soft appraisals. They encourage me through their honesty and their loyalty and their trustworthiness.

This is all so personal, and even to me kind of seems like a list of excuses for when I am not being that great of a person. But, at the same time, mental illness is real...my anxiety is real, even if it isn't greatly understood by those who don't know the experience. I was actually thinking about how best to describe the feeling of persistent anxiety to those who don't know the feeling themselves. For every person it's different, but I would say that what I experience is akin to a persistent dull sense of panic. Like when you sleep in late and realize you're late to class or work... Or when you thought you weren't on the work schedule so you don't come in only to get a call from your boss wondering where you are...Or you get a call in the middle of the night from someone who hasn't been doing well, afraid that something's wrong... Pick your sense of panic, but that clenching of the stomach, accelearation of breathing, inability to think clearly, inablility to process your emotions, all that happens in those moments of panic that you feel? That's what I feel, all day, every day, in the back of my brain. It weighs me down, tires me out, makes me want to not leave my bed.

If I don't give myself some sort of break when I feel like this, it just gets worse. It becomes a downward spiral. I realize I'm feeling worse, which scares me, which makes me feel worse, which scares me worse, until I am unable to do anything. That is often when the attacks happen. An attack for me often looks like hyperventilation, subsequent light-headedness and nausea, and sometimes crying. If it lasts for long enough it becomes hard for me to proess the the reality of doing ANYTHING compentently, which includes sitting up, drinking water, getting food,  moving around, anything. The thought of doing anything at all is completely overwhelming to me, seeing how inept I am at controlling the most basic of my thoughts and emotions.

People sometimes wonder if I have tricks for dealing with it. The honest answer is, not really. Therapy didn't work, medication didn't work, meditation doesn't really work, eating well, excercising consistenty, being unemployed in Hawaii, none of that seems to make it any better, on a consistent level. Of course I feel better, generally, now than I did in college, when I had no money, was living paycheck to paycheck, worked one or two jobs the whole time, had two majors and a minor, and was largely responsible for managing a house that had 27 people move in and out of it, all told, during my time living there. But that is why this most recent episode is so striking--I should not be able to slip so easily into an anxious wreck here. But slip I did.

So I guess my tricks are to focus on the good things when I feel good. To appreciate and love the people who love me, to listen to good music, to read compelling books, to watch funny and thought-provoking shows and movies, to snuggle animals, to hear the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the trees, to smell the orchids on that one part of the highway at night, to stare in amazement at the milkyway, to float in the ocean water and feel the gentle push of the tides, to relish the coziness of wearing sweaters when its cool, to appreciate the feeling of breathing easily.

I think I might try therapy again...I also plan on moving to a zen center for 6 months, so that probably won't hurt either.

If anyone read this whole thing, thank you. I guess I just wrote it as my own therapeutic exercise...it's always important for me to look at what I struggle with alongside with what I have to be thankful for. To remind myself that even though it's sometimes hard, everyone has it hard. My anxiety episode coincided wtih the attacks on Paris and Baghdad, and I look at the people affected by such tragedies, and I am humbled. I look at the refugees fleeing Syria, the Muslims across the world being persecuted as the extremists they have nothing  in common with, the people batttling chonic diseases, the orphans, the hungry, the depressed, and I have nothing to complain about. It is a good reminder. All that we can do is continue to strive for our own arete, our own personal excellence, and to encourage that of those around us.

I also want to thank Tamarah and Rachel for being patient with me all of the time, and for making me laugh, and for encouraging me to adveture and be better. I love you.