Hawaiian Religion, Deities, and Mythology

Hello,
As some of you know, I'm kind of a big religion nerd (well I'm kind of big nerd in respect to a lot of things, but religion is definitely one of them.) I'm afraid that that statement might lead some to think that I am a very religious person, which is not the case at all. In fact, I'm an atheist. That is perhaps why religion is so interesting to me. I minored in religious studies at CU. I love the stories, names, and order associated with every religion. I like looking at how religions affected people and societies and cultures of the past and how they continue to impact people today. All of it is just inherently fascinating to me.

As such I wanted to investigate the religion of native Hawaiians. I took a class in college on the religions of Native Americans, and Hawaiian religion was one of the religions we learned about (that was actually my Professor's academic focus.) I supplemented my knowledge from that class with some internet research. I'll post links to my sources below.

The religion of indigenous Hawaiians is polytheisitic, and as is the case with most polytheistic religions, each deity has its own purpose and role in the environment and the lives of the Hawaiian people. There were different kinds of gods, including the principle deities, demi-gods, and local gods. As was the case with most indigenous religions, the political structure, social structure, legal system, and daily individual actions of Hawaiians were deeply impacted by and designed by their religion.

Image from pinterest.com. The Hawaiian Pantheon.

First things first, let's become acquainted with the primary deities.

The Sacred Eight:

IO (Keawe, Kela, Iao):

• The first god, the source of all other gods.
• Created the sky and the sun
• He created mana, the life force of everything. He sent mana into the darkness (po) and from that his son Kane was created. 
• He is also the "father" of Na Wahine. 
• Gradually his importance as a god lost steam to the Hawaiian people and was eclipsed by the importance of his children  and grandchildren, especially those known as "The Four Gods" (Kane, Kanaloa, Ku, and Lono.)

KANE (Elieli, Eli):

• One of "The Four Gods", the most important deities to native Hawaiians
• First god created by Io
• He is known as "The Creator;" together with Na Wahine he created the world
• God of the West
• God of the sky, the sun, thunder, wind, fresh water, and taro root
• Husband of Na Wahine
• Word for "man" in Hawaiian language is "kane"

NA WAHINE (Uliuli, Uli, Malama, Papahanaumoku):

• Second god created by Io
• She is known to be the highest manifestation of feminine energy, being Io's daughter
• Goddess of serenity and the moon
• Evaluates human behavior: She is able to see all the actions of a person that are righteous (pono) and unrighteous (hewa)
• Wife of Kane
• Together with Kane she had 3 sons (Kanaloa, Ku, and Lono, the remaining three of "The Four Gods") and 3 daughters (Tapo, Hina, and Laka.) Their 3 daughters married their 3 sons. 
• Word for "woman" in Hawaiian languae is "wahine"

KANALOA:

• One of "The Four Gods"
• Son of Kane and Na Wahine
• God of the South
• God of the ocean, which I guess also gives him control of mana, which makes him the god of disease (both giving it and taking it away.)
• Husband of Tapo
• Christian Missionaries interpreted Kanaloa to be The Devil

TAPO (Kapo):

• Daughter of Kane and Na Wahine
• Wife of Kanaloa
• Is feminine side of Kanloa's powers, i.e., she is the goddess of the ocean (specifically the South Pacific) and health
• One of the goddesses of hula

KU:

• One of "The Four Gods"
• Son of Kane and Na Wahine
• God of the North
• God of war, politics, woodlands, and crops
• Particularly worshipped by royalty, warriors, and craftsmen
• Husband of Hina
• Sometime around the 11th century he became the principal deity of the Hawaiian people and was the patron deity of King Kamehameha the Great
• He is associated with the "dry" season in Hawaii (around December to August)
• His rise in prominence as a deity resulted in an increased separation and subjugation of women across the islands

HINA:

• Daughter of Kane and Na Wahine
• Wife of Ku
• Is the feminine side of Ku (goddess of war, politics, and woodlands)
• Called upon to aide pyschological healing
• Mother of Maui (a prominent demi-god)
• A dual goddess with two heads, one for day and one for night
• Guarded the underworld

LONO:

• One of "The Four Gods"
• Son of Kane and Na Wahine
• God of the East
• God of learning, intelllect, wisdom, medicine, agriculture, fertility, and peace
• Husband of Laka
• He is associated with the "wet" season in Hawaii (around September to November)
• The end of the year, Lono's time, was a time of feasting, peace, tax payments to the royalty (ali'i), and fertility
• The Hawaiians mistook Captain Cook to be Lono on his initial contact wtih the islands, as his arrival coincided with the arrival of the time of Lono (more on that story hopefully later.)

LAKA:

• Daughter of Kane and Na Wahine
• Wife of Lono
• Is the feminine side of Lono (goddess of peace, fertility, and agriculture)
• A prominent goddess of hula

Image from libguides.huntingdon.edu. The Goddess Pele.

Other Important Deities:

WAKEA:

• The god (Father) of the Earth
• Prevailing god for all of the gods and goddesses associated with nature
• Married to Papa

PAPA (Haumea, Ka-luahine):

• The goddess (Mother) of the Earth
• Prevailing goddess of all nature deities, second only to Wakea
• Married to Wakea

HONUA:

• Daughter of Wakea and Papa
• The spiritual being that is literally the Earth
• Mother of the goddess Pele

PELE:

• Daughter of Honua (The Earth)
• Goddess of fire, volcanoes, lightning, and wind
• Often referred to as "Madame Pele" or "Tutu (grandmother) Pele" out of respect
• One of the best known Hawaiian deities, both on the islands and off. She is still a subject of much contemporary artwork
• She is often portrayed as jealous, envious, and petty
• She has many siblings, also associated with various elements such as wind, rain, fire, waves, and clouds. She is often in competition or in a rivalry against one or many of her siblings
• Her home is in the crater of Kilauea on the Big Island, but her domain is all of the volcanoes on the islands
• "The Curse of Pele" is a superstition that is still prominent today. The curse follows any foreigner to the islands who takes something without permission (such as a rock or shell, or of course, stealing something.) The curse is basically that bad things will happen to that person until they return what they have unrightfully taken.

MAUI:

• Son of Hina and the god who is the "supporter of heavens" (I couldn't find his name)
• He is known as "The Shark God" because he looks half human, half shark. Also supposedly his father held some sway over the sharks and Maui asked him to help keep the sharks from messing with humans' lives too much
• A bit of a trickster god, he was always working to deceive the gods and his siblings, often for the benefit of humanity
• He is credited with being the creator of the islands. The legend is that he was out fishing with his brothers when he tricked them (the story here varies as to why he tricked them) into paddling as hard as the can while he (with a special hook his father gave him) essentially fished the islands from the sea. As soon as his brothers stopped paddling (again for varying reasons) the hook line went slack and Maui stopped pulling up lands. He supposedly was going to create a whole continent, but since his brothers stopped rowing, he only created the Hawaiian archipelago
• He is also credited with raising the sky to more comfortable height for humans to live under and for lengthening the days on the bequest of his mother Hina by slowing down the sun.
• He is one of the greatest loved gods among human, despite him being only a demi-god, and thus less powerful. The island Maui was named after him.

Image from sites.google.com. Maui pulling the islands from the sea.

Some other important facts about the Hawaiian religion:

• Kahiki is the land of the gods, where they typically dwell and thus the source of creation. It is beieved to be a reference to Tahiti, where it is widely believed the first Hawaiians are from.
• Kahuna are spiritual and mystical people who are in a close relationship with the gods or one particular patron deity. They were spiritual advisors (priests) to the royalty (ali'i)
• Kapu are religious laws. They are largely what governed the Hawaiian islands up until King Kamehameha II around 1820 AD. It was not uncommon for someone who has broken a kapu to be sentenced to death. If such a criminal were to make it to a place of refuge (pu'uhonua) and there be ritually cleansed, then they were no longer subject to punishment for their previous crimes.
• Hieau are the religious temples of the native Hawaiians. They were places of ceremony and often dedicated to a particular patron deity. Women were not allowed on hieau for about 2000 years.
• Hula is a commonly known dance associated with the Hawaiian islands. It likely originated as a ritualistic dance to appease deities such as Lono and Pele; over the years it turned into a common form of entertainment and celebration and as such was performed outside of hieau.
• Native Hawaiian society largely relied on a caste system. The caste system was designed on which people had the most mana. Naturally, the ali'i (royalty,) kahuna (spiritual advisors,) and warriors had the most, in that order. Craftsmen and farmers had more midde rankings, where as the kauw were essentially the "untouchable" caste. It was thought that the kauw had no mana, and thus were forced to live seperately from everyone else so as to not drain them of their mana. 
• Mana was seen as a feminine force. Men were thought to be in the domain of form whereas women were in the domain of energy. Therfore men could not be persuaded to action without the feminine force. Likewise, women would be nothing without the creations and actions of men. It is in this way that men and women are seen to be co-dependent.
• As could probably be seen from the geneology of gods above, incest was not an entirely uncommon practice amongst the elites of ancient Hawaii. If one's family had a lot of mana it made sense to simply marry one's sister and thus keep the mana strong within the family. This is obviously still not practiced today.

Image from claremont.collegiatelink.net. Hula dancers.

Sources (other than my class):

• http://www.ancienthuna.com/gods_diagram.htm
• http://hawaii-guide.info/past.and.present/religion/
• https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawaiian_religion
• http://www.darksites.com/souls/pagan/lana/gods.html
• https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Māui_(Hawaiian_mythology)
• https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pele_(deity)

Fruit of the Week: Buddha's Hand

Fruit of the Week

Buddha's Hand

Our selection for this week's "Fruit of the Week" was chosen based on the simple matter of us not having really tried any other fruit this week.  We bought it a while ago at the Kalapana night market, and then basically didn't eat it. It definitely looks intriguing, and has a definite citrus attitude about it. However, we never really put any thought or effort into figuring out how to eat it until it was molding and partially devoured by ants.

Rachel was the most curious about the Buddha's Hand (she's the one who bought it in the first place.) She says that it tastes like sweet lemon peel. She think it would have been lovely candied, if only she had the motivation to have done so. She also sas that she would have needed sugar, along with motivation, to candy the Buddha's Hand, and she didn't have any of that either.

Tamarah responded to me asking her about her thoughts on the Buddha's Hand by saying that we never ate it. Which was right to the point. She then acted confused when I smiled at her and began typing what she said. She then said "We didn't..." half doubting her memory, even though she was entirely correct.

I had taken a picture of our own Buddha's Hand but it's on Tam's phone which is in the car and I don't particularly feel like going out and getting it right now. This photo I nabbed via the google machine and belongs to specialtyproduce.com

Go Big (Island): Venturing Around the Island to Escape the Rain

So it's been rainy here the past couple weeks. Very very very rainy. Not just friendly drizzle rain, but ungodly heavy downpour rain. So much rain that it's making all of us a bit itchy. When I say "all of us," I do not just mean the three of us, but all of the people around us. Everybody at the farm. Everybody in Hilo. Everybody on the eastern side of the island.

On top of that, there's been an outbreak of Dengue Fever on the island. Dengue is not endemic to Hawaii, and thus likely arrived to the island via the bloodstream of a tourist who contracted it elsewhere. Dengue is spread through mosquitos, like Malaria, and is not contagious person to person (unless, I suppose, an infected person rubs an open wound on the open wound of an uninfected person.) The symptoms are similar to that of the flu, but like, a really bad flu. A couple weeks ago there were 7 people infected; today it's somewhere around 80 and climbing. So that's fun.

I don't mean to complain. I guess we're just realizing that paradise can only remain paradisiacal for so long, before it just becomes the place you live and have to deal with so much GODDAMN PERPETUAL RAIN.

This post is mostly going to be about a whirlwind time of activities and adventure we had this past weekend. If you read the previous post about how I wasn't feeling well during this particular escapade, let's all just push that out of our minds while reading this post. Because despite my own particular demons this past weekend, it was really a rather splendid time.

After Riley left we didn't do very much. We might have done some things but I honestly can't remember. The days all blur together because everyday is the same and SO GODDAMN WET.

So on Friday we left on a small adventure, mostly (or entirely) planned by Rachel and Tamarah. The easiest way for us to escape the rainforest that we live in is to simply drive to Kona, which thanks to the rain shadow created by the volcanoes is really rather dry, almost like a desert.

Rachel and Tam on top of a sea arch

On Friday afternoon we drove to the Sheraton where we lost (and then found) the dive light that went missing as mentioned in the previous post. After picking up the light we decided to stick around the Captain Cook area and explored the coast near Pu'uhonua o Honaunau National Historical Park. The coast largely consisted of semi-rough lava rock that was riddled with collapsed lava tubes that filled with water from the tides. The water that flowed into and out of the lava tubes eventually eroded their entrance/exit holes to the extent that they became arches. So, essentially, the coast was filled with dynamic pockets in lava rock where ocean would rush in, gurgle and gush and slurp, then be sucked back out; spattered amongst these cavities were natural bridges and arches of lava rock poised over tumultuous waves. It was all quite fascinating.

After our little walk along the coast we went into Pu'uhonua o Honaunau National Historical Park. Our guidebook suggested that we get there just before sunset, which we did. The park exists to preserve a site of extraordinary historical and spiritual importance for Hawaiians. In the time when native Hawaiians ruled the islands, it was not uncommon for people who committed crimes to be sentenced to death as punishment. If the persecuted person could escape to a place of refuge, and there perform important cleansing religious rituals, they would be allowed back into society without any further consequences from their past crime. Pu'uhonua o Honaunau was a refuge such as this. The site today mainly contains reconstructions of what the site likely looked like in its hay day, but it also contained a lot of authentic carvings from the ancient Hawaiians who lived there. Supposedly right next to or behind the site or something was a giant palace where a lot of important ali'i (chiefs/leaders) lived throughout history.

A traditional Hawaiian hut in the place of refuge

I was really craving a burger, so we went to a joint called Annie's that could have easily existed in Boulder (and had the feel of the Mountain Sun/Southern Sun restaurants) and had incredibly peppy staff. We enjoyed our food there and then stayed at a gentleman's apartment that we found via couch surfing named Brian. The 3 of us shared his pull-out couch and then woke up at 5 am to get Rachel to her race in downtown Kona.

Rachel up on the "podium" after the half marathon

She participated in the inaugural 100% Kona Coffee Half Marathon. It took her 2 hours and 3 minutes to complete it, and she got third in her age division (females 20-29.) We were very proud of her. While Tamarah and I were waiting for Rachel we ate breakfast at this very very pleasant cafe called Huggo's on the Rocks. It was almost entirely outside, and the seating area was right next to the ocean and had soft beach sand as a floor.

After Rachel's marathon we started making our way north to Kawaihae to return the dive light to the dive shop. On our way we pulled off of the highway about half way in between Kona and Kawaihae to a little beach park that I honestly can't remember the name of. The beach had almost no sand but instead round ocean-worn lava rock and coral. There was a sea turtle on the beach there, which we found to be very exciting. The poor thing blended into the beach very well and almost got stepped on about 10 times, but we were watching out for him, making sure he could get his nap in the sun.

Sea turtle on the beach. The Hawaiian word for sea turtle is Honu

We returned the light in Kawaihae then immediately started driving to the southeast part of the island, to the town of Pahoa, where the rest of our adventure awaited. Pahoa is widely regarded as the most "hippy" or "granola" part of the island...essentially it's a smaller, more tropical version of Boulder. We used couch surfing again to find a place to stay. We were very lucky and the gentleman named Beto who took us in gave us an entire vacation rental house to ourselves, as he had no one renting it at the time. We were so overwhelmed at this miraculous opportunity...to sleep in a warm and dry place all to ourselves with internet and power and potable water and everything. We just stayed in that night and immersed ourselves in our more civilized environment.

The next day (Sunday) we woke up and went to Pahoa's farmer's market, which was incredible. There were a lot of booths, a lot of yummy food, and a really pleasant vibe. Unfortunately we were only able to stay there for a little bit, as we were more interested in making our way to the coast near Kalapana for an ecstatic dancing experience. Sanji had told us about the ecstatic dancing soon after we first arrived to the island, and we were finally able to make it to the meeting. It took place at what I gathered to be a yoga retreat place called Kalani. It cost $15, which was kinda bum, but the experience itself was really interesting. It took place in a large, open space, and there were about 200 or so people present (of which I'd say roughly 98% were white.) The ecstatic dance itself was led by a DJ who played electronic music for about 2 hours or so. The music initially mainly consisted of what I would describe as electronic tantric trance music, but then shifted to more mainstream electronic (more like what you would hear in a club,) and he even played songs like Prince's "Kiss." It was a rather interesting experience. The dancing itself was fun, as everyone danced in a rather uninhibited manner...which meant that watching other people dance was almost just as fun as the dancing itself. It was all quite cathartic.

After dancing we went to a nearby beach, which seemed to have attracted most of the population of the ecstatic dance group. Getting to the beach required a bit of scramble down some cliffs. On the beach itself there was a rather extensive drum circle (in that there were probably 20-40 people participating at any point, and lasted for hours,) and a heady handful of people in the nude. That likewise was quite a pleasant cultural experience. I saw a bumper sticker for Pahoa that I thought summed up our impression of the people rather well; it read: "We're all here because we're not all there." I hope it's okay that I find that funny, as I'm not a part of the community of Pahoa...but it is rather wonderfully apt.

Ahalanui Park. The ocean is behind the wall on the back left.

Our host from the previous night graciously let us stay in his vacation rental for a second night. We gladly returned to that haven and had another lazy night in. The next morning we had a slow time getting going, and eventually moseyed our way to Ahalanui Park, which was a public beach park that had a large man made pool. The pool collected both ocean water and hot spring water and thus was a pleasant tepid temperature. We even found some of the hot water vents, to hang out in, and Rachel and I swam for a little bit in a pool off of the main one that was significantly warmer.

After the beach we pretty much just drove right back to Hilo and Honomu. We were greeted by some rain. It was saying, welcome home.

Tomorrow we fly to Oahu to meet up with the one and only Michael "Fresh Produce" Gerard and Tamarah's family. We're looking forward to exploring a different Hawaii, the one most commonly seen on post cards. We're also looking forward to seeing what nightlife Honolulu has to offer, and to spending Thanksgiving with the Howards and Mr. Gerard.

Some Notes from the Past Week:

• I forgot to note som notes from last week in the previous blog post
• I think that's because things just don't stand out as much as they used to...we've become used to things around here now
• There's this one spot on the highway in between Hilo and Honomu that smells like orchid around 8 at night, when it's not raining. We enjoy it quite a lot.
• Construction of the TMT telescope on Mauna Kea has been indefinitely delayed by the Supreme Court (rumor has it because the people constructing TMT skimped on their environmental evaluation.)
• I've been reading the sequel to Ender's Game in the Shadow series called Ender's Shadow. I quite enjoyed it. There are 2 different series that act as sequel series to Ender's Game, and it was suggested to me that I read the Shadow series. I think that was exemplary advice. 
• Tam's been reading books about psychology, including a book about how we perceive time, the sibling bond, and the sociology of mental illness.
• Rachel's been reading the book I mentioned early on in the blog, The Shark Diaries, that is historical fiction about Hawaii. She seems to be enjoying it.
• For some reason I have been inexplicably spellbound by the song "The Hills" by The Weeknd and really enjoying listening to Childish Gambino (who can not love Donald Glover?) and Atmosphere.
• On a semi-related note, we've all found an enhanced appreciation for reggae music since moving here

Some Thoughts on (My) Anxiety

Hello friends, family, friends of friends, family of friends, and friends of family,

This post is going to be far more personal than any of the other posts, which up to this point I have really tried to keep as sort of travel journal-like. This is going to be an entirely personal blog post, and so to those who don't know me personally, and only read this blog because you know Tam or Rachel, or are just curious how you should GO BIG on the Big Island, this probably won't be an entirely interesting post for you to read.

Unless, of course, you also suffer from anxiety or are close to someone who does.

Recently an event occurred in my life that triggered a bout of anxiety. I don't feel that it would be appropriate to detail the situation that was the said trigger, but it was of a personal nature. The anxiety that followed was interesting for several reasons:
1) I was hopeful that living in this healing place with no daily sources of stress would have resulted in me being able to deal with anxiety when it reared its ugly head, and it clearly did not.
2) I typically deal with my spirals into becoming an anxious mess by removing myself from the people around me, so that I can deal with whatever ugly things spring from my ego during such times; that was not something I could do this time.
3) Having no work, schoolwork, television, etc, to distract my thoughts while I'm feeling anxious meant that I could more clearly and coherently analyze my thoughts and actions during this time.

I feel that it would be appropriate for me to describe how I feel during my anxiety "episodes" (I call this an episode, and not an attack, as it is a sensation that lasts for several days, and is persistant but arguably controllable, whereas an attack usually lasts a few hours or shorter and is entirely outside of any sort of control, for the most part.) I have been dealing with anxiety for 6 years now. It has always manifested most notably in physical sensations. These sensations are primarily the feeling that I can't breathe properly (that my feeling is shallow, even it isn't,) nausea, and fatigue. I also become rather raw...I am almost completely unable to filter my emotions or thoughts, let alone what I say to other people.

Considering how uncomfortable, self-concious, and insecure I feel when I'm anxious, it shouldn't be surprising that what happens when I interact with other people is usually not polite and measured conversations. I have a tendency to be blunt even when I'm feeling healthy, and this trait is multiplied many-fold so that I can become rude, even abrasive, and this instigates feelings of incredible remorse (because I consistently strive to not be unkind to others,) which in turn fuels more feelings of insecurites, which in turn fuels more anxiety, and thus more nastiness from me. It's an entiely unfortunate positive feedback loop for every one involved, which is why I tend to shy away from interacting wtih people when I feel the anxiety coming on.

This time, however, my episode coincided with a lovely trip that Rachel and Tamarah had planned to explore the island a bit. The trip was to last 3 nights and days, all of us of course together all of the time. Realizing I wasn't feeling well, I thought that I should stay behind, at least for the first day and a half of the trip. Tamarah and Rachel convinced me to go, arguing (reasonably) that the incessant rain that has been plaguing Hilo and Honomu the past couple weeks might be part to blame, and that I should get out to Kona and Pahoa, where it was sure to be more sunny, Sunlight had always made me feel better, so I agreed to tag along with them.

Sometimes I was okay--the first day was kind of rough for everyone, but I slowly became more competent at controlling my emotions, and thus I tried desperately hard to not bring Rachel and Tam down too much. But it was hard--I needed time alone, to process my emotions as I do everytime I feel anxious; it was hard because I felt like a burden to the other ladies; it was hard because neither of them have (fortuanately) had the unfortune of experiencing anxiety, so they could not relate to me. I felt as though they were tiptoeing around me, which of course was a correct reaction on their part, but made me feel ridiculous. I was petulant, irritable, and my sense of humor was all but gone.

I don't like mysef when I'm like that. I mean, who would? I used to have a pretty bad temper, and I was fairly arrogant for most of my life. Those traits are still definitely a part of me, but I try to monitor them, to control them, so that when they do rear their heads, it's in a way that the people close to me can almost find them endearing. I try to be patient, thoughtful, a good listener, and a good friend. There's this idea in Greek philosophy of "arete," or "personal excellence." I learned about this my sophomore year of high school and it is something that continues to pervade my thoughts, especially when I am definitely NOT my personal best. I strive to not be a hypocrite, to be the type of genuine person that I hope the people around me to be.

My anxiety is my own persistent reminder that I can not achieve personal excellence. Sometimes I find it really really very hard to process stress and emotions like those around me seem to do with ease. I choose to surround myself with people who I admire, and I look at these people, and I wish to be like them. Most of my friends in college also worked 30+ hours per week along with taking 4 or 5 classes. They all had to balance their social life, their school work, their work work, and their health, and they all did it SO WELL. I learned in high school (when my anxiety first manifested) that I can't pile everything I possibly want to on to my plate; I can't handle it. But I ignored that lesson time and time again because I was embarrassed. Why can't I handle it? Every one always tells me their impressed with me because I put so much on myself and do it all well. Well, I can't handle it well. Is there any reason for people to admire me if I can't handle these things? Is there any reason for me to admire myself if I can't achieve my personal excellence?

So these pressures sit on my shoulders, making me tight. I shied away from things where I would be compared to others (except school,) which often meant that I did no sort of physical activity. My friends would often invite me to go hiking or climbing with them, and more often than not I refused. I did not want to be slower than them hiking, did not want to be clumsier than them climbing, and have them see me as weak. Not that they would ever think of me that way, as they are lovely people. But I didn't want to slow them down in any way; my fear at not being perceived as excellent thus caused this twisted source of anxiety.

Thank goodness I have such wonderful friends and families and teachers and coworkers. Like I said, I choose to surround myself with those who I admire, people who are genuine and flawed but by all means real and shining and beautiful. If I didn't have such people in my life, I would be a complete mess and a half. Instead these people see me becoming insecure, arrogant, quick-tempered, or desperately clinging to the things that make me comfortable, and they quietly encourage me to grow. They encourage me through example, themselves all being wonderful people. They encourage me through soft appraisals. They encourage me through their honesty and their loyalty and their trustworthiness.

This is all so personal, and even to me kind of seems like a list of excuses for when I am not being that great of a person. But, at the same time, mental illness is real...my anxiety is real, even if it isn't greatly understood by those who don't know the experience. I was actually thinking about how best to describe the feeling of persistent anxiety to those who don't know the feeling themselves. For every person it's different, but I would say that what I experience is akin to a persistent dull sense of panic. Like when you sleep in late and realize you're late to class or work... Or when you thought you weren't on the work schedule so you don't come in only to get a call from your boss wondering where you are...Or you get a call in the middle of the night from someone who hasn't been doing well, afraid that something's wrong... Pick your sense of panic, but that clenching of the stomach, accelearation of breathing, inability to think clearly, inablility to process your emotions, all that happens in those moments of panic that you feel? That's what I feel, all day, every day, in the back of my brain. It weighs me down, tires me out, makes me want to not leave my bed.

If I don't give myself some sort of break when I feel like this, it just gets worse. It becomes a downward spiral. I realize I'm feeling worse, which scares me, which makes me feel worse, which scares me worse, until I am unable to do anything. That is often when the attacks happen. An attack for me often looks like hyperventilation, subsequent light-headedness and nausea, and sometimes crying. If it lasts for long enough it becomes hard for me to proess the the reality of doing ANYTHING compentently, which includes sitting up, drinking water, getting food,  moving around, anything. The thought of doing anything at all is completely overwhelming to me, seeing how inept I am at controlling the most basic of my thoughts and emotions.

People sometimes wonder if I have tricks for dealing with it. The honest answer is, not really. Therapy didn't work, medication didn't work, meditation doesn't really work, eating well, excercising consistenty, being unemployed in Hawaii, none of that seems to make it any better, on a consistent level. Of course I feel better, generally, now than I did in college, when I had no money, was living paycheck to paycheck, worked one or two jobs the whole time, had two majors and a minor, and was largely responsible for managing a house that had 27 people move in and out of it, all told, during my time living there. But that is why this most recent episode is so striking--I should not be able to slip so easily into an anxious wreck here. But slip I did.

So I guess my tricks are to focus on the good things when I feel good. To appreciate and love the people who love me, to listen to good music, to read compelling books, to watch funny and thought-provoking shows and movies, to snuggle animals, to hear the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the trees, to smell the orchids on that one part of the highway at night, to stare in amazement at the milkyway, to float in the ocean water and feel the gentle push of the tides, to relish the coziness of wearing sweaters when its cool, to appreciate the feeling of breathing easily.

I think I might try therapy again...I also plan on moving to a zen center for 6 months, so that probably won't hurt either.

If anyone read this whole thing, thank you. I guess I just wrote it as my own therapeutic exercise...it's always important for me to look at what I struggle with alongside with what I have to be thankful for. To remind myself that even though it's sometimes hard, everyone has it hard. My anxiety episode coincided wtih the attacks on Paris and Baghdad, and I look at the people affected by such tragedies, and I am humbled. I look at the refugees fleeing Syria, the Muslims across the world being persecuted as the extremists they have nothing  in common with, the people batttling chonic diseases, the orphans, the hungry, the depressed, and I have nothing to complain about. It is a good reminder. All that we can do is continue to strive for our own arete, our own personal excellence, and to encourage that of those around us.

I also want to thank Tamarah and Rachel for being patient with me all of the time, and for making me laugh, and for encouraging me to adveture and be better. I love you.

Fruit of the Week: Santol

Fruit of the Week

Santol

I found this fruit to be entirely surprising and delightful. It has a rather odd design: Its peel is incredibly tough, and often just using fingers (or teeth) is not enough to penetrate it. We thus use a knife, as we are humans and have the capacity to use tools. Once open there are four rather large seeds surrounded by pulpy/stringy fruit. In order to consume a santol, you simply plop one of the seeds into your gape-hole and suck on the fruit. You will not be able to suck the fruit off of the seed, which to some people might be frustrating. You will have to learn to accept that things do not always go exactly as desired, and become complacent with simply sucking the juices of the fruit. You will soon discover that this is, in fact, and entirely appropriate way to consume a fruit, and you will feel silly for being so frustrated with anything in your life at all, as things usually turn out alright in the end. 

I think that the santol tastes like an orange-banana smoothie. I like it. I think that it's perfect for when I want something sweet after dinner, but I'm still very full from dinner, and so don't actually want anymore food in my stomach.

Rachel likes the flavor but thinks that it is frustrating to eat; if you try to pull the fruit off of the seed with your teeth, you end up getting bits stuck in between your teeth.

Tam says that it's good. That's all that she has to say on the matter right now. She's doing her school work, learning how to be a teacher, and I'm distracting her with these inane questions about fruit.

Go Big (Island): A Week Full of Riley

Aloha, here's what we have been up to this extremely rainy week or so:

Our Halloween costumes: Stormtrooper, Rocker Chick,
and Ariel

Halloween was a rather low-key affair. We are, by now, used to the spectacle that is Halloween in Boulder. By contrast, Halloween in Hilo kind of felt like how you would feel hanging out in school during the summer. The only things happening downtown were the Rocky Horror Picture Show at The Palace (which we attended) and live music at The Tavern. Rocky Horror was pretty great. None of us had gone to a screening of it before (Rachel had never seen it at all.) We yelled at the characters, threw toilet paper, and all of the other fun revelries that usually accompany the screenings (except throwing food, it would likely rot under the seats and attract rats.) Afterwards we just hung out with our new friend Stephanie and her friend Diana. We stayed out till 1 am, which was very very late for us sleepy bones.

The next day Rachel drove to Kona to pick up her friend Riley from the airport. His flight came in pretty late, so they spent the night over there. The western side of the island (Kona-side) isn't perpetually rainy (like Hilo, on the eastern side,) so they were able to sleep on the beach, at Hapuna Beach State Park. Hapuna is, according to Rachel, widely regarded as the best beach on the island (it has a pretty wide white sand beach, which is relatively rare for the Big Island.) The next day they snorkeled around there and saw a lot of dead coral, which made Rachel very sad.

Rachel and Riley in Volcanoes NP

Unfortunately, Riley arrived on the island coincidentally with some truly horrific weather. We had one day without heavy rain during his whole 9 day stay. Riley was able to take advantage of his vacation despite the circumstances, and got his scuba certification. He had his classes during the mornings, which would bring us all into town, and then we usually just returned to the farm in the evenings (except for that one sunny day, we went to the beach that day.) We spent our afternoons largely holed up in our little shack and read or watched movies from Redbox on Tam's computer. One night Riley took us out to dinner at a sushi restaurant called Ocean Sushi. It was quite lovely. We hadn't yet had sushi since moving here. We were all amazed at how cheap it was (while still being high quality.) There actually is something cheaper here than on the mainland (besides fruit.) Ocean Sushi was BYOB (as are a lot of the establishments in Hilo,) but we just ran to the KTA market down the street and bought some, which worked out quite well.

Lava Field on Crater Rim Road

On Friday after Riley's dive lesson we took another trip to Volcanoes National Park. We took a pleasant drive down Crater Rim Road, which leads all the way to the ocean. The drive highlights a lot of what the park has to offer, which is mostly defunct lava craters and expanses of black lava fields. We got to look at some pretty incredible petroglyphs made by Native Hawaiians in times gone by, and learned that they used to bury their babies' umbilical chords in the lava rock near the petroglyphs, to connect them to the land. At the ocean we took a little walk until we found an oasis where we played in the palm trees for a bit, and then got to see a sea arch at sunset.

Hawaiian Petroglyph

After Volcanoes we went to "Black & White Night" in downtown Hilo. It was what a First Friday should be. We we were all very impressed. We have never seen so many people out and about in Hilo before. There was live (loud!) music, a lot of street food vendors, and most shops and galleries were open late. It rained for only a little bit, but was clear for most of the night, which was excellent. We had some yummy street food for dinner and then got a delightful dessert crepe at a restaurant called Le Magic Pan. We also got our palms read by a guy on a street corner, which I found to be entirely exciting. I was told I should not lend money to friends anymore, so sorry everyone, no more hand outs from this girl.

On Saturday Rachel was able to go diving in the ocean with Riley. Tam and I had a rainy beach day. When they got back we had a fabulous lunch at Ken's Pancake House, this authentically-Hawaiian/authentically-American diner that's been there forever (and the general manager is supposedly related to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.) That meal kept us unbelievably full for most of the day. We took Riley to the Farmer's Market, which is quite happening on Saturdays.

On Monday we had a wonderful late-lunch/early-dinner at Bueno Burrito, this little Mexican food place that Rachel had been eyeing for quite a while. We found it to be entirely delightful. Most restuarants in Hilo are run almost entirely and solely by the owners (and sometimes their family.) The owner of this establishment I believe was named Jorge, and he treated us like royalty. He was very friendly and funny, and shared our sentiment that there was not enough of a nightlife in Hilo, and that there needs to be a place to go out dancing.

Sunset from Mauna Kea

That night we decided to try to get to the summit of Mauna Kea (which can be driven to, with 4-wheel drive,) by sunset for some stargazing. Lil Red can't be trusted up long and steep hills, so we parked at the bottom and hitched a ride up with 2 lovely Danish girls named Ida and Teresa. They took us up to the information Center half-way up the mountain, where we learned we were too late to hitch a ride up the other half. (Cars create light pollution with their headbeams which interfere with the observatories' observations.) We were still able to see an incredible sunset from where we were on the mountain, and stuck around for some guided stargazing.

Waipio Valley

On Tuesday we needed to drive Riley to Kona for his midnight flight out, and we decided to make a day of it. We wanted to check out Waipio Valley, a place I was particularly interested in because of its history as an exceptionally spiritual place for the Hawaiian people (there are all sorts of stories about the ghosts of upset ancestors haunting the place after the island's desecration at the hands of haole.) We were hoping it was out of the rain, being that it was about an hour north of Hilo, but no such luck. We decided to postpone the steep hike into the valley a different day (although, after seeing it from on top, I'm not sure I want to hike into it. It doesn't feel righteous for me, a white girl, to go into that land. But we'll see.) We checked out the little town of Honoka'a right near Waipio, which was lovely and quaint, and for whatever reason reminded me of old and small Colorado mountain towns (like Leadville.) We then continued on to the western side of the island. We rented snorkeling gear in the town of Kawaihae and then Riley and Rachel brought us to Hapuna (where they had previously slept.) We gladly sunbathed on the beach, glad to finally be free of the rain. It's funny how going to Kona often feels like a vacation, even though our lives in Hilo are themselves essentially vacations.

Rachel by the sea in Volcanoes NP

The real exciting part of our day (and we agree one of our favorite moments from the island so far) was night snorkeling with Manta Rays. We went to the Sheraton on Keahou Bay, which was located right where the rays amalgamate. There were a lot of commercial snorkel and dive boats in the water. They shine lights into the water, which attract krill, which in turn attract the rays. We had our own underwater flashlights, but we ended up kind of mooching off of the big industrial lights from the boats. It started raining, and it was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced; floating at ease in the dark, with the lights from the hotel and the boats illuminating the surface of the water--the rain drops hitting the water made the ocean look like a softly oscillating blanket of black diamonds. We were able to see a handful of rays, which had an energy not dissimilar to that of dogs. They would play in the light, swimming in big loops, then soaring behind and under all of the people who came to experience them. The whole thing was surreal and ethereal.

The sea arch at sunset

After we climbed out of the ocean we snuck into the Sheraton's pool to clean the ocean off of us, and then soaked in their hot tub. I hadn't personally done anything like that since highschool, and it was quite fun (exhillirating! How often I forget how young I am and how I should commit shenanigans while it is still apt. That's what the kids say, right? "Shenanigans"?)

After we dropped Riley off at the airport we returned to Hapuna to sleep in Lil Red for the night (only THREE cockroaches crawled on me during the night!) We woke up with the sun and ate our left over Chinese food from the night before (that had been sitting in our trunk overnight) along with some applesauce that Rachel found near security at the airport for breakfast. We drove just a few minutes down the road from Hapuna to Waialea Bay, which I am sure is my favorite beach that we have been to yet on the Big Island. It was lined with trees and still-rooted driftwood, the water was calm and perfectly crystal clear, and there was excellent snorkeling.

The beach at Waialea Bay

We discovered upon leaving the beach that one of the two dive lights that we had rented for our Manta experience was missing. We realized that we likey left it by the Sheraton pool when we jumped in. I was again reminded why I no longer commit shenanigans; every action has a consequence...in this instance illegally using the Sheraton pool resulted in us having to replace a $400 piece of equipment. To drown our sorrows at losing the light (and thus us losing $400) we went to The Seafood Bar in Kawaihae, where we spent too much on food and cocktails (but had a great time doing so.)

Now it's just the three of us again in our leaky shack, in rainy Hilo.

Rachel just got a call, and someone found the divelight by the pool. I guess my karma might be just balanced enough for the time being.

Tamarah at Waialea Bay

A Nip of Poetry

Hello,
I just finished reading Ray Bradbury's novella "Somewhere a Band is Playing," and it featured a rather lovely poem. The more mystical elements of the poem are specifically referencing the town in which the story took place (which is a mystical town indeed,) but while I was reading it I couldn't help but feel it applied to Hilo quite nicely as well. I feel as though this poem captures the Hilo that I have been experiencing, with its slowed-down pace, it's feel of timelessness and loneliness and community and frustration and rain and ocean and compassion. Anyways, without further ado:

Somewhere a band is playing,
Playing the strangest tunes,
Of sunflower seeds and sailors
Who tide with the strangest moons.

Somewhere a drummer simmers
And trembles with times forlorn,
Remembering days of summer
In futures yet unborn.

Futures so far they are ancient
And filled with Egyptian dust,
That smell of the tomb and lilac,
And seed that is spent from lust,

And peach that is hung on a tree branch
Far out in the sky from one’s reach
There mummies as lovely as lobsters
Remember old futures and teach

And children sit by on the stone floor
And draw their lives out in the sands,
Remembering deaths that won’t happen
In futures unseen in far lands.

Somewhere a band is playing
Where the moon never sets in the sky
And nobody sleeps in the summer
And nobody puts down to die;

And Time then just goes on forever
And hearts then continue to beat
To the sound of the old moon-drum humming
And the glide of Eternity’s feet;

Somewhere the old people wander
And linger themselves into noon
And sleep in the wheat fields yonder
To rise as fresh children with moon.

Somewhere the children, old, maunder
And know what it is to be dead
And turn in their weeping to ponder
Oblivious field ‘neath their bed.

And sit at the long dining table
Where Life makes a banquet of flesh,
Where dis-able makes itself able
And spoiled puts on new masks of fresh.

Somewhere a band is playing
Oh listen, oh listen, that tune!
If you learn it you’ll dance on forever
In June…
And yet June…
And more…June…
And Death will be dumb and not clever
And Death will lie silent forever
In June and June and more June.

One kiss and all time’s your dominion
One touch and no death can be cold.
One night puts off graveyard opinion
One hour and you’ll never grow old.

Drink deep of the wine of forever
Drink long of eternity’s stuff
Where everyman’s learned and clever,
And two billion loves not enough.

Somewhere a band is playing,
Playing the strangest tunes,
Of  sunflower seeds and sailors,
Who tide with the strangest moons.

Somewhere a band is playing
Listen, O, listen, that tune?
In June and yet June and more…June.
--Ray Bradbury

Now that that poem got you all nice and warmed up, I thought I would be horrifically self-indulgent and share one of mine. It is from a while ago, which I think makes it less arrogant to share (yes? no?) I have been writing a lot in my journal lately, which I have had since I was about 8. It contains so many thoughts from throughout my life, most especially from my teenage years. Those parts of the journal are, of course, rife with my own tormented adolescent personal dramas, as well as some surprisingly poignant poems (but everyone is a fan of their own poetry, no?) I was rifling through my old words and came across one poem in particular that struck me as rather beautifully apt for my time in Hawaii. It's as though my younger self knew I would be here one day, and needed me to be here. Anyways, here it is:

Waves upon waves

Of mahogany tide

Floating suspended

Shifting inside

My thoughts scatter

The fish that hide

Gazing outward,

Along for the ride.

Limitless moon

Match sighing stars

Dripping with salt

That stings my scars

Messages elapse

Stuffed inside drawers 

Memories survive

Travelling afar.

Afraid to begin 

Afraid of fear

Boats soar by,

Unaware I’m near

Contemplating life

Laying with tears

The water reflects

My heart as a mirror.

Complete in myself,

A hole without you,

The ocean carries me

Right on cue

Towards a harmony 

Way over due

A land full of sand

With nothing to do.

--16 year old Catherine