Go Big (Island): The End of our Time on the Island

Aloha friends and family! Aloha in every sense of the word.

To anyone who has been keeping up with the blog posts (notably our parents,) it might be apparent that I haven't been feeling like writing many blog posts recently. It's been almost three weeks without a post, actually. This is due to several factors: 1) We haven't been doing a whole lot of noteworthy things lately; 2) I haven't been feeling particularly well mental health-wise, and thus haven't been particularly motivated to do very much at all, let alone write or undertake any creative ventures of any sort; 3) This island has become our home, and thus has become mundane.

Also, because I haven't been feeling well I haven't been taking photos, so this post will be more sparse and less colorful than the posts of the past.

Now I'm feeling compelled to write. Perhaps it's the allure of home coming that's raised my spirits. Whatever the case may be, I'm happy it's happening.

Of course, when we last left off, we were just returning from our escapades on Oahu with the Howards and Michael Gerard.

Something that we all remarked upon returning to the Big Island was how much coming back felt like coming home. The three of us were in unanimous agreement that Hilo was a much better place than Honolulu. It feels more genuine. It's less shiny. It's more authentic and comfortable with who (or what) it is. It's not busy. It has a grungy port right next to its nicest beaches. It has swindling vendors who pass Dole pineapples off as their own and charge triple the price for them. It has no social life...and it's okay with all of that.

We returned to our odd little farm in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a cloud forest that is perpetually in the middle of rain. We returned to the faces that have become familiar--the Mommsen family including Sanji, Mama Mala, Theo, and Charlie; Sanji's friend Baraka who has become a near permanent fixture in our kitchen; the smelly dogs roaming the farm, the handsome cat Zorro, the wild cats up at our shack, the chickens, and Sanji's new ugly ducks; our beloved car Lil Red and our leaky but cozy shack.

While we were away in Oahu Sanji acquired a new member of the farm: a part pit/part chihuahua mix named Piko. Piko means "belly-button" in Hawaiian and is a wonderfully apt name for this little dog. Ordinarily I am not a fan of small dogs, but I took to Piko right away. He's calm and gentle and has curiously reproachful eyes. He's also a little dancer.

One of the first things that we did upon returning to the farm was to sell our beloved yet quirky vehicle, Miss Lil Red. We weren't sure how easy it would be to sell her, and so we decided to put her up on Craigslist early, to give us plenty of time. It turned out that it was actually very easy for us to sell our little Raggedy Ann car. We sold her just a few days after we put the ad up. That left us with 3 weeks on the Big Island with no car, which is not an easy way to live here...nor is it especially conducive to exploring the island.

Lucky for us, hitch-hiking is both culturally accepted and abundant here. Also lucky for us, we're three relatively well-groomd and sane-looking girls, so it is easy for us to get picked up. Through this experience we've again been struck by how many generous and kind people live here. There have been quite a few people who will pick us up and then drive ten minutes out of their way to make sure that we are able to get home alright. We can also alays tell a Canadian when they pick us up, as they're consistently the nicest and warmest people, falling in line with that particular stereotype of Canada.

During our last few weeks here we've also made a new friend, named Morgan, who is the friendliest person we have ever met. He works at one of our most common watering holes, Shark's Coffee Shop in Honomu. We always got along really well with him while we were hanging out at Shark's, and we had always wanted to become friends with him. We're glad we have had the opportunity to hang out with him more and to become better friends with him, even if it has been just for these last few weeks.

One day we had an excellent adventure with Morgan. He took us first to Hakalau, which used to be a thriving community centered around a prospering sugar mill, but is now just another spot on the island where a tree-lined river meets the ocean in a cacophony of spray. We drove up the river a ways and there jumped off of a 20-foot-high bridge into a deep pool. It was quite fun and effectively set the tone for the rest of the day.

After Hakalau, Morgan took us to Ninole, where we scrambled and swam our way up a river to a series of massive waterfalls. We engaged our problem-solving skills to figure out how to navigate our way up and over each waterfall to get to the river and subsequent waterfalls above. We went cliff jumping a few times in Ninole; Rachel and I, for the most part, stuck to the more moderate and reasonable, yet still exciting, 15- or 20-foot jumps. Morgan and Tam, on the other hand, both decided to jump from the top of one of the waterfalls to its pool below, which was easily a 40-foot drop. Both had to run and jump without looking first, so as to not lose their nerves. Both ended up just fine, except for a tweaked shoulder (Morgan) and a bruised tailbone (Tamarah.)

When we had finished exploring that lush and idyllic tropical river, we were all feeling quite peckish. Morgan suggested a burger place in Waimea called Village Burger, which he was adament made some of the best burgers on the island. So we decided to extend our adventure to a trip to Waimea to try these burgers. They were indeed quite tasty and filling, with an extra bonus that truffle fries that could be ordered along with them.

There was another day when Tamarah and I hitched our way to Kole Kole Beach Park to go swimming, which, we now know, is not a wise thing to do at Kole Kole. As far as ocean activities go there, it is (and should be) primarily used solely by very competenet surfers...definitely not for two haole girls to go swimming. The waves at Kole Kole are tall, strong, and persistent. Luckily both Tam and I are strong swimmers and were able to stay reasonable during moments when we could be panicking. So, essentially, we swam out into the waves, realized we shouldn't be there, and slowly navigated our way back to the shore, all the while scaring some local boys who thought they were going to have to jump in the water and save our asses. We learned our lesson and sunbathed for the rest of our time at the park, safely on land.

On that day, upon our return to Shark's to get Rachel, we met a gentleman named Shane. Shane was looking for adventure buddies, and had a car to easily travel to said adventures. Tam and Rachel took advantage of the adventure-buddy situation to hike Waipio Valley with Shane, and then again to return to hike to Waimanu Valley, which is one valley further over from Waipio. The hike to Waimanu is much longer than the hike into Waipio, and so they decided to spend the night in the valley. Again, as I wasn't there for these particular journies I unfortunately can't report much besides what they told me--like the waterfall in Waipio that they saw that is many times taller than Akaka Falls, or how they met some incredible Argentinians that they got along with very well. I'd say that the most talked about part of these trips was the waves in Waimanu. Rachel was deeply touched by these waves. She says that not only were they the most beautiful ocean waves that she has ever seen, but they were perhaps the most beautiful anything that she has ever seen.

The farm in recent weeks has become substantially more crowded. Sanji was away in California for the first week and a half of December, and upon his return he brought many new lives in touch with ours: Sanji's friend Armando from Kona is here visiting and helping Sanji with his work; a family friend of the Mommsen's named Ashley and her 2-year-old daughter Chloe are here visiting from Volcano; a new couch-surfer named Ella who we quite enjoy hanging out with; an old family friend from when the Mommsen's lived in the Virgin Islands, a very nice man who we all call Uncle Bento; a pregnant couple from Austria who has moved into the main house for Mala's help as a midwife; and in the last couple of days a couple named Joe and Celine have taken up residence in the shack adjacent to ours. All of these new arrivals have added extra energy and activity to the farm that we've been enjoying quite a lot, especially since we spend the vast majority of our time there now a days.

Tamarah's last day on the island also happened to be her 23rd birthday. The day before she left we decided it would be nice for Rachel and I to take her out to one of the nicer restaurants in town that we have't tried yet. We've always been intrigued by Cafe Pesto, but it was closed for rennovations, so we decided to go to Pineapples. In town we ran into Lauren, Stephanie's friend who we quite liked, who showed us the banyan by Rainbow Falls early into our time here. She invited us to tea with Stephanie and some of their other friends, which we accepted, and in return invited all of them out to dinner with us. It was a lovely evening filled with pleasant people, delicious food, and yummy cocktails. After dinner Rachel and I bought a gallon of cheap wine and then the whole crew went up to Akaka Falls to explore it at night.

On the drive up to the falls Lauren asked everybody in the car what the felt fed their souls. I, without even really thinking about it, said Star Trek, and then had to (gladly) explain to a car full of people who had never seen the show how it could feed my soul. My answer was one of the less poignant answers (although I'm adament that it's still a true answer.) Stephanie said good chocolate and good friends, who she clarified to be people who she can be her self around and who she can say anything to, uninhibited. Rachel said the waves at Waimanu. Tamarah said moments when you're driving and a good song comes on, and you can be by yourself or with a group of good people, but that moment is still so gratifying and filling. Lauren said the moment when she crosses the singing bridge (a bridge so called because it sounds like it's singing when you drive over it) going north out of Hilo, because she knows that she's headed towards an adventure.

The moon was small but bright, which was helpful when we navigaed the steps to Akaka Falls at night with our gallon of wine. When we got to the falls we watched it for a while, passing around the wine, remarking on how amazing it was that we could still see texture in the waterfall as it plummeted in the dark. When it came time for that adventure to end, they dropped us off at the farm and we said our goodbyes to our new friends. We were so fortunate to have had such a good last night with them.

The next day, Tam's birthday and departure day, Sanji finally took Tam surfing. It was the best birthday present he could have given her. As she didn't have very much (if any) practice surfing during our time here, she flailed around a bit out there. But she was able to ride the wave a few times, which was good.

For lunch we went to one of our favorite vendors at the Farmer's Market. She sells her own Chinese food, which we love. Tam and I also had some delicious birthday brownies.

It was sunny all day. It was the perfect way to celebrate Tam's birthday and to send her home to freezing and snowy Colorado.

Since Tam left, Rachel and I have not been doing a lot. We spend a lot of our time at the farm or down at Shark's. We've hung out with Morgan too, which has been nice, as always. Yesterday the farm had a big party where most everyone living on the farm came and had dinner together. Rachel was in charge of cooking and baking most everything for the feast, and everyone was wowed by her cooking prowess. It was really a very nice time.

Now we're coming close to the end of our time here. I leave in two days and Rachel leaves in three. We're really looking forward very much to both being home with our families for Christmas and then being with The Collective (our college friends) for New Years. We're feeling ready to embark on our next adventures. Although our readiness to leave has not stopped us from reflecting on our time here, and all that we're going to miss about it.

We're going to miss our new friends, and all of the people we've grown close to while living on the farm. We're going to miss it being in the 80s everyday and for "cold" to be 55 degrees. We're going to miss seeing the ocean everyday, especially the view of it that we have as we drive down the hill from the farm into Honomu. We're going to miss he abundance of fresh and free exotic produce growing on the farm that we can eat at any time. We're going to miss the Farmer's Market and being able to buy any 2 pounds of produce we want for $2. We're especially going to miss Papaya Guy who sells 8 papayas for $2, and often gives us a couple extra for free. We're going to miss the small and quaint town of Honomu and the large and sleepy town of Hilo. We're going to miss seeing sea turtles on a regular basis. We're going to miss falling asleep to the sound of the rain on the tin roof of our shack. We're going to miss this unreal sense of freedom, of being able to do whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it. We're going to miss the laid-back atmosphere of the island. We're going to miss the kindness of people here who are truly living out the aloha vibe.

Most of all, of course, we're going to miss spending all of our time together, the three of us. Right now we are so, so very fortunate, and we know it. We got to spend 3 months in Hawaii with two of our best friends, exploring and doing as we wish (and eating SO MUCH fresh fruit.) Our lives are all headed towards new adventures, all of which we're looking forward to. But we will probably never be ale to be this close to each other ever agan. It is unlikely that the three of us will share a bed for any extended period of time ever again, or share with each other every detail of each other's lives as it's happening, or eat giant salads together from the same bowl every night.

It was a spectacular adventure that I still can't believe I was lucky enough to be a part of with two people that I love so much.

But it is coming time to say aloha to the island. Aloha, good bye. Aloha, with love. Thank you for letting us live here. Thank you for letting us grow here.

We love you, goodbye. Aloha.

Waves

You know how there’s all those people out there like Thoreau and John Muir and also maybe just a friend of yours, or maybe even you, who are able to find this incredibly deep appreciation of nature? They are inspired by it and learn from and have trouble comprehending its beauty. Well I’ve always loved our natural world and have appreciated it and thought it was beautiful too, but never to the degree that it seems like these other people were, I never looked at something or watched something and felt moved deep down inside. And to be honest, this always bothered me a bit, why could Thoreau get so much out of a pond and I couldn’t.

Well, last week this all changed for me, because I had an experience that affected my whole being and touched me deep down inside. This experience was profound enough to make me want to write about it, which is saying a lot, because I generally avoid writing at all costs.

It all started with a hiking trip taken by Tamarah, myself and this guy we met at our local coffee shop. The hike started at Waipio Valley, which is a beautiful and sacred place with a very high and lovely waterfall. Upon seeing Waipio Valley for the first time (which actually happened over a month ago when Riley was here) I felt like I wasn’t appreciating it as much as I should, maybe because I had heard so much about it being so beautiful, which it was, but not breathtaking or anything. This was just one of the many times that I was bothered, as I described above. There’s a trail that’s about 9 miles or so from Waipio Valley to Waimanu Valley. Waimanu Valley can only be accessed by this trail, or by the ocean, and nobody lives there, there is a small campground near the beach and a trail that goes back to some rather impressive waterfalls. It is also home to another waterfall that is 2,600 feet tall, making it the tallest in the country. It is this valley that we hiked to, arriving just before dark, we were greeted by two Argentinian travelers who invited us to share their fire, an invitation that we accepted with gratitude before retiring to our tent for the night.

The next morning, I woke up and found a nice rock on the beach to enjoy the sweet potatoes we had brought for breakfast while I watched the waves coming in. Now, watching waves is always a wonderfully captivating experience. It’s a lot like watching a fire, you can just zone out and be perfectly entertained and content. Well these waves were on a whole other level. They were perfect in every way; I can think of nothing that would make them more beautiful or more satisfying to watch. And that is the best word I can think of to describe them, utterly satisfying, from the beginning to end. I will now do my best to describe these glorious natural phenomena.

To set the scene, I’m sitting on a beach in a lush valley with waterfalls plummeting thousands of feet behind me. There are precisely 9 other people in the whole place and non are within my site. The sea is perfectly calm so each wave appears to come from nothing, and they are forming very close to shore, which just enhances my viewing pleasure.

When the waves were still in their beginning stages they looked like a monster rising stealthily from the depths. Then they began to take the wave shape. But these waves were perfectly shaped. They were very thin from front to back, and the front wall (the one we could see) became vertical as it rose. The crest of the wave was razor sharp, giving it a crisp, clean look that was unbroken for the length of the wave. The wave continued to grow, the crest held its shape even as the wave became concave. There was a second, when the wave appeared to freeze, as it became more concave without losing shape. Then, at precisely the right moment, it broke, and in that crashing white water was the release of all that energy that had been building up since that monstrous form first appeared. It was so powerful that I could feel the buildup and release in my own body.  It was so powerful, that just writing about it brings back the feelings I felt watching it. I can’t describe exactly how it made me feel except for deeply satisfied, and perfectly content.

I know that is something I will never forget, and I doubt I will ever see anything like it again. It was a perfect moment that I think will let me understand the similar moments that others have had. I know it has and will continue to affect me in various ways and I feel so fortunate to have experienced it. 

The Story of Captain Cook and Hawaii

This is the story of Captain Cook's "discovery" of the Hawaiian Islands.

Captain James Cook encountered the Polynesian islands on his travels around the word to discover a northwest passage. He hopped around the islands a bit, only to depart pretty quickly after his first encounters. His men were tantalized by the islands and asked Cook to return to the islands for an extened stay in te winter of 1778.

They landed for their extended stay in Kealakekua Bay, near the modern-day town named, of course, Captain Cook, on the western side of the Big Island.

Captain James Cook

Cook happened to arrive on Hawaii on the first day of the season of the deity Lono. Lono is the deity of, among other things, fertility, agriculture, and peace. His time is thus dedicated to such things. It occurs during the wet season and is therefore a time of plenty of food, and of ali'i tax collection. It is a time when the warriors retire to the mountains, so as to completely negate the possibility of warfare. It is a time of hula and procreation and feasts.

The Hawaiians that encountered Cook did not think that his arrival in his grand ships on the first day of Lono's time was incidental. They believed that he was a manifestation of Lono. So, clearly, it was a grand time for Cook to first land on the idyllic Hawaiian Islands: he was taken to be a deity, and thus respected as such, and he and his men lived out their first months on the island during a time of feasts and sex without warriors hanging around.

Cook was aware that in other places that they had visited, his men had spread syphilis amongst the native populations through copulating with the native women. He thus ordered his men to not have sex with any of the native women on Hawaii; he was very much struck by the beauty and serenity of Hawaii and the generosity of its people and didn't want to sabotage such a place through such a nasty disease. To ensure that his men did not sleep with native women during the night he ordered them to sleep on the ships during the nights. However, his men, wildly seduced by the beauty of the Hawaiian women and their sensuous hula dancing often snuck off of the boat at night to join the luaus on shore and fulfill their lustful desires.

Common artistic depiction of Lono
(usually in tiki form)

Cook and his men stayed near Kealakekua Bay for a couple of months before moving north along the Kohala Coast. At one point the ships encountered a gale, during which the mast of the Resolution was damaged, causing Cook and his ships to return to Kealakekua Bay to find timber for reparations. They expected that the good relations they had had with the natives during their previous stay in the area would continue.

As it was, the Hawaiians were not happy to see Cook return. His second arrival at Kealakekua Bay occurred at a time that was no longer marked by Lono, but instead his brother Ku. Ku is the god of war and politics, and during his time the warriors are definitely in occupance in the villages. Furthermore, the people of Kealakekua Bay were confused by the return of Lono during the time of Ku. They took it as a bad sign. They did not want him there.

Furthermore, during Cook's short absence from the area the symptoms of the syphilis that spread from Cook's men to the Hawaiian women began to manifest; another really bad sign to the Hawaiians that Cook's presence was not good news.

There were a series of scuffles between Cook's men and the Hawaiians. At one point some Hawaiians made it onto the Discovery and took some pieces of the ship. There is an argument that the Hawaiians would not have necessarily seen such an act as aggressive or wrong. Sharing was a common practice amongst the Hawaiian commoners, and so the idea of theft was largely unknown. Nonetheless, Cook decided that the appropriate reaction would be to attempt to kidnap a powerful chief of the area as hostage for the missing pieces of the ship.

This did not go over well with the Hawaiians, and they fought back. This skirmish is what led to Cook's death. Although Cook only incurred small injuries from the fighting, it disabled his ability to walk in the water, and he drowned. He was only in three feet of water. The great explorer James Cook did not know how to swim.

Upon Cook's death the fighting stopped. Cook's men wanted to take Cook's body back to England for a proper Christian burial; the Hawaiian's wanted to keep Cook's body, as they believed it to be Lono's and thus full of powerful mana. They wished to consume Cook's body to obtain his mana. Eventually, much to the dismay of Cook's crew, the Hawaiian's relented only one of Cook's legs to them for burial. The Hawaiians kept the rest.

Modern-day Captain Cook Monument in Kealakekua Bay

Of course, Cook's men returned to England and told everybody of the new islands of paradise they had found in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Even though Cook was relatively late in the game of discovery (he discovered Hawaii so late that the United States already existed at that point,) he had made a truly valuable discovery indeed.

Of course, many Hawaiians, even today, wish that he had never discovered their arhchipelago. Hawaiian society was far from being idyllic, but at least it was their own.

Kealakekua Bay, looking north towards the monument

**Most of this story I told from memory, as I learned it in my Native American Religions and Traditions class in college. I also gained some additional facts from this site: http://www.hawaiihistory.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=ig.page&PageID=266

**First photo from antarcticconnection.com
Second photo from tuckerstikis.blogspot.com
Third photo from aloha-hawaii.com
Fourth photo is my own

Go Big Island: Thanksgiving in Oahu

Aloha everybody! I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving and that you were all able to reflect on how lucky you are.

Tam and Michael on Crouching Lion trail, above the town of Ka'a'awa

We certainly were lucky and had a lot to be thankful for, because we spent our Thanksgiving (and its corresponding week) on the beautiful island of Oahu with the one and only Mr. Michael J. Gerard and the lovely Howard family.

On the morning that Rachel, Tamarah, and myself left Hilo to fly to Honolulu it was a lovely sunny morning, the first we'd seen in Hilo in about 3 weeks. When we arrived in Honolulu, it was raining, and we were entirely unsurprised that the universe would do such a thing to us.

View of Waikiki and Honolulu from top of Diamond Head Crater

We'd rented a car for the first 4 days of our stay on Oahu (which has the wonderfully apt nickname "The Gathering Place".) It is perhaps needless to say that we were entirely stoked to drive a car younger than ourselves for a little bit, with the bonus of it not being entirely overrun by cockroaches. We were thoroughly delighted when  Enterprise gave us the option to rent a litle red Nissan. I was saying that we should nickname our rental car "Miss Red" or something, as she was a proper car, in contrast to our dear "Lil Red," whose name more accurately represents her more ghetto characteristics.

The three of us arrived in Honolulu a good three hours before our dear friend Michael was to arrive, so we took Miss Red on a little spin into Honolulu where we met up with Tamarah's sister Jess, who lives in a little town near North Shore called Ka'a'awa but works as a pilates instructor in Honolulu. Jess living on Oahu is what brought the four of us (Tam, Rachel, Michael, and myself) and Tam's parents to the island for Thanksgiving. Jess brought us to Leonard's Bakery, the legendary home of malasadas on Oahu. Malasadas, for those who don't know (I didn't know) are Portuguese donuts and they're DELICIOUS. Rachel and I ate far too many and felt kinda sick, but it was worth it.

The one and only Michael Gerard

As I've mentioned in past posts, we are often struck by a sensation on the Big Island that we're not actually still in America, as the Big Island has a very particularly Hawaiian culture. This was not the case in Honolulu. Honolulu very much feels just like any other big American city. I felt like I was in a Californian city, really, and the others had to put up with me saying "This part of the city reminds me of LA," or "This part of the city reminds me of San Diego," every few minutes as we drove.

When we were finally able to pick up Michael at the airport it was an exciting reunion indeed. We were all super giddy and there was a lot of smiles and comparing tans (upsettingly we were only marginally more tan than Michael was, and he'd been essentially living as a shut-in student/waiter in Colorado while we were sunbathing on beaches in Hawaii. But I guess we can't really complain about such things too much.)

After the airport we met up with Jess again and sampled some free alcohol at the grocery store, purchased some alcohol at the grocery store, and then went to a beach just in time for sunset. The neighborhood the beach was in was really rather odd...it was full of mansions that were entirely abandoned. The huge houses were rife with graffiti and broken windows. We looked over the fence at this one glorious house right on the beach that was aglow with lights and abuzz with whirring hot tubs, and obviously empty. Jess told us there was a room in that house just full of bath tubs, for whatever reason. Rich people sure can be odd and wasteful.

The busy busy busy ocean at Waikiki

For dinner we thought it would be fun to check out Chinatown; I had it in my mind that Honolulu's Chinatown would be similar to San Francisco's, which is awesome, as both cities have a steady history of Asian immigrants. Unfortunately we all found Chinatown to be rather underwhelming. It kind of just felt like any other part of the city except for slightly more paper lanterns and a dash more Chinese restaurants. Nonetheless we had a delightful dinner at a fairly authentic Chinese restaurant. Our waiter warned us a couple of times against ordering certain things on the menu that we wanted, saying in so many words "white people don't typically order such things here." Despite our waiter's protests we ordered what we wanted anyways (because we're 'MERICANS,) which included the fine delicacy of cold jelly fish. It was alright. A little too chewy for my taste.

We were going to go dancing after dinner (because, as is probably obvious by now, we like to dance but don't have the opportunity that often.) However, we're now old people and are tired by 8. Also, Mr. Gerard lost his ID somewhere in LAX during his long voyage travelling stand-by. So we settled for getting cocktails (well Michael didn't,) then heading to Jess' (and her boyfriend Ryan's) place, which is about 45 minutes north of Honolulu for some good sleepy time.

The next day we woke up and had a delightful breakfast of eggs and toast with lilikoi butter (which is SO GOOD, like pudding,) and enjoyed the lovely view that Jess and Ryan have from their porch--Ka'a'awa (the little town they live in) is nestled right in between the ocean and the sharp, ragged, jungled mountains of Oahu.

Tam, Michael, and Rachel beach bouldering

After breakfast we journeyed further north to Waimea. It was raining when we first got to the beach so we took a quick detour across the highway first to checkout Waimea Falls Park, or at least as much of it as we could without paying. They shot a lot of movies there (including Jurassic Park, and supposedly somehow Lilo & Stitch.) When the rain let up we went to Waimea Bay Beach Park, where there was (to our pleasant surprise, especially Michael's,) some bouldering spots right on the beach. You can take the kid out of Colorado but you can't necessarily take the Colorado out of the kid. There was also a pretty large rock out in the water that we could jump off of into the waves below. Overall I would definitely recommend this spot, it was super cool (there were also some trees in the parking lot that looked straight out of Lothlorien.)

We got some groceries at Foodland, the North Shore's seemingly predominant grocery store chain, then went back for a quiet evening at Jess and Ryan's, where we made some stir fry and watched "My Neighbor Totoro" which was SO delightful.

Tamarah looking fly, buried in the sand

The next day we decided to adventure even more around the northern part of the island. Our first stop was at the Dole Pineapple Plantation. Again, we didn't want to pay to actually go into the place and have a tour, so we did what we could for free. They actually have the largest maze in the world at the plantation (in the shape of a pineapple,) but it was closed, which was a big bummer. We learned what we could from the information placards about the growth rate of pineapples and the history of Dole (which conveniently left out all of the practical indentured servitude of Hawaiians at both the plantation and the cannery for nigh a century,) and fed some ginormous koi. I chose to feed the koi on the periphery, farthest from the feeding platform, as I am a socialist at heart. We spent a fair amount of time in the extensive gift shop, then left, all feeling a little bit grosser from the experience (or at least I did. To be honest I was a bit pessimistic about the whole thing.)

Sunset at Haena State Park

After the plantation we went to have lunch in the historical town of Haleiwa, which was small and pleasant. As with everywhere else on the North Shore, there was a plentitude of food trucks in Haleiwa. We went to this parking lot that had about 8 food trucks, and had lunches as diverse as a crepe, a po boy, and a Philly cheesesteak.

During the afternoon we decided to check out Haena State Park, which is home to the western most point on Oahu. We actually didn't make it out to the western most point, but still enjoyed our terrifically muddy hike and the marvelous sunset.

The following day (which was a Tuesday) we went to Honolulu for the day. We decided to go ahead and allow ourselves to be tourists for the day. We started out our day of Honolulu tourism by hiking Diamond Head Crater, a fairly ostentacious geological formation right outside of downtown Honolulu. It's the result of a quick and violent volcanic eruption that happened long ago. The crater was used by the military in the past (it is a rather magnificent strategic vantage point of both the sea and the city.) I slowly became convinced during our time there that the military still operates there, but as a means to cover-up extraterrestrial activity/remains (the whole place reeked of "X-Files" and "Close Encounters of the Third Kind.")

We had an absolutely lovely lunch at South Shore Grill. It was simply made American food (burgers, tacos, burritos, da kine...(: ) For whatever reason we were all over the moon about the food we ate there. I would definitely recommend it.

Michael & Rachel climbing a banyan on the beach

During the afternoon we decided to bite the tourist bullet and headed to Waikiki Beach, one of the most famous beaches in the world. It had long been built up in my head as one of the most luxuriously tropical and perfect beaches there could possibly be. What we found was, to be honest, a fairly typical urban beach. It was absolutely packed to the gills, both on the beach and in the water. I don't want to say it was an unfortunate experience, however. We all still enjoyed our time there quite a lot. Rachel and Michael climbed a banyan. Tamarah got buried in the sand. I took pictures.

We walked the streets along Waikiki, waiting for Danielle and Mark (Tamarah's parents) to fly in from Colorado. We were quite amused at the insane consistency of ABC Stores (typical tourist knick-knack and convenience stores) on every. single. corner. We fancied the idea of watching the sunset and drinking cocktails at the Royal Hawaiian (the second oldest hotel in Hawaii, built in the 1920s, I believe.) However, we weren't allowed into the Royal Hawaiian, so we just watched from the beach, which was still very nice.

The four of us on Waikiki

It was decided that we'd just meet Mark and Danielle back at Jess and Ryan's place. It was a very happy reunion for the Howards, and pleasant for Rachel, Michael, and myself as well. We transferred sleeping arrangements to the place that Mark and Danielle had rented. At first we were under the impression that we would all have our own rooms, which we frankly didn't like the idea of. Luckily it turned out that all 4 of us were to share a room that had 3 beds. Separation anxiety was averted for the time being.

On Wednesday we woke up reasonably early and headed over to Shark's Cove for some snorkeling (Michael was pretty keen on getting some snorkeling in during his time in Hawaii, rightly so.) Shark's Cove was this pretty neat shallow cove protected from the crashing ocean by a naturally ocurring wall of rocks. For such a shallow and small pool there was actually a surprising amount of marine life. Certainly a lot of sea urchins, some eels, a couple schools of large silver fish, even some humuhumunukunukuapua'a (the state fish of Hawaii.)

Tam and Michael on Crouching Lion

Rachel had to get the rental car back to Enterprise at the airport so we weren't charged for an extra day, and on her way back to Honolulu she dropped Michael, Tam, and myself off at the "trailhead" to the Crouching Lion Trail. The trail is actually, technically, illegal to hike on, so there wasn't a real trailhead; it was more just a gap in the tall grass off of the highway that led into steep, muddy jungle. The trail was certainly an exciting hike, and was really quite beautiful. The scramble uphill through the jungle ends when you get to an old bunker of some sort, and from there it's just a steep (STEEP) climb along the ridge of the mountain right above Ka'a'awa. I am not quite as physically fit as my cohorts, but I still found it to be very enjoyable (I just used the ole line "Oh you guys hike ahead so I can take photos of you" quite a lot, to give myself a breather now and then.)

That night we had a spectacular dinner of Eggs Benedict and hashbrowns, prepared by Danielle, Jess, and Tamarah.

Tam and Michael on Crouching Lion

The morning of Thanksgiving we woke up very early to get Rachel, Tamarah, and Michael to a Turkey Trot race in downtown Honolulu. The race was 10 miles, and the winner was not who got in first, but whoever predicted their finishing time the most accurately before the race started. While those kids were off running the streets of Honolulu, The Howards and I had a pleasant breakfast at LuLu's Waikiki, which we finished just in time to see the racers finish.

After the race we returned to The Howard's rental and finished up the preparations and cooking for the Thanksgiving feast. Danielle and Jess did most the cooking, but Rachel and Michael made some fabulous sweet potato dishes and Mark made some yummy pumpkin pies. I barely contributed anything and was a complete moocher. As is customary at Thanksgiving, we went around the table and shared what we were thankful for (although we all had to think of things that we were thankful for other than the baseline "friends and family.") We ate rather early, around 2 pm, and we spent most of the night sitting around the table and talking to each other about things going on in the world: we talked about the Syrian refugees and the CERN hadron collider and the discovery of Homo naledi, and it was all quite intelligent and engaging. Rachel had a second Thanksgiving at a family friend's, the lucky duck (turkey?)

The rockstars after running 10 miles!

Friday was the last day on Oahu for both Michael and myself. Jess and Ryan took the whole gang on a very nice hike in a place called Ha'aula. The hike consisted of traipsing through what Oahu had to offer in ways of montane forests. There were plenty of Norfolk Pine, which are invasive but rather lovely looking--it gave the place the feel of being in a prehistoric jungle. After the hike they took us to La'ie Point,  which was a point of rock that led out away from the island into the tumultuous sea. We were surrounded by giant grey crashing waves. There were a handful of small islands right off of the point, and we learned that La'ie was believed to have been a very mean and very large lizard who the folklore hero Maui had slain. The islands were chunks of the lizards head, petrified in the ocean.

The 4 of us at La'ie, with a lizard head chunk in the background

The rest of our day priamrily consisted of lounging around until we were frantically trying to get me to the airport on time (Michael's flight was 7 hours after mine.) I don't know (in a detailed sense) all that Rachel and Tamarah did without me for four days in Oahu. They watched a surf competition at Sunset Beach, did some more hiking, got yelled at by a guy for trying to hike the legendary Staircase to Heaven (likewise an illegal hike,) soaked in the sun. I returned to the farm and read Vonnegut and wrote things.

I am sure happy to have them back with me.

Hawaiian Religion, Deities, and Mythology

Hello,
As some of you know, I'm kind of a big religion nerd (well I'm kind of big nerd in respect to a lot of things, but religion is definitely one of them.) I'm afraid that that statement might lead some to think that I am a very religious person, which is not the case at all. In fact, I'm an atheist. That is perhaps why religion is so interesting to me. I minored in religious studies at CU. I love the stories, names, and order associated with every religion. I like looking at how religions affected people and societies and cultures of the past and how they continue to impact people today. All of it is just inherently fascinating to me.

As such I wanted to investigate the religion of native Hawaiians. I took a class in college on the religions of Native Americans, and Hawaiian religion was one of the religions we learned about (that was actually my Professor's academic focus.) I supplemented my knowledge from that class with some internet research. I'll post links to my sources below.

The religion of indigenous Hawaiians is polytheisitic, and as is the case with most polytheistic religions, each deity has its own purpose and role in the environment and the lives of the Hawaiian people. There were different kinds of gods, including the principle deities, demi-gods, and local gods. As was the case with most indigenous religions, the political structure, social structure, legal system, and daily individual actions of Hawaiians were deeply impacted by and designed by their religion.

Image from pinterest.com. The Hawaiian Pantheon.

First things first, let's become acquainted with the primary deities.

The Sacred Eight:

IO (Keawe, Kela, Iao):

• The first god, the source of all other gods.
• Created the sky and the sun
• He created mana, the life force of everything. He sent mana into the darkness (po) and from that his son Kane was created. 
• He is also the "father" of Na Wahine. 
• Gradually his importance as a god lost steam to the Hawaiian people and was eclipsed by the importance of his children  and grandchildren, especially those known as "The Four Gods" (Kane, Kanaloa, Ku, and Lono.)

KANE (Elieli, Eli):

• One of "The Four Gods", the most important deities to native Hawaiians
• First god created by Io
• He is known as "The Creator;" together with Na Wahine he created the world
• God of the West
• God of the sky, the sun, thunder, wind, fresh water, and taro root
• Husband of Na Wahine
• Word for "man" in Hawaiian language is "kane"

NA WAHINE (Uliuli, Uli, Malama, Papahanaumoku):

• Second god created by Io
• She is known to be the highest manifestation of feminine energy, being Io's daughter
• Goddess of serenity and the moon
• Evaluates human behavior: She is able to see all the actions of a person that are righteous (pono) and unrighteous (hewa)
• Wife of Kane
• Together with Kane she had 3 sons (Kanaloa, Ku, and Lono, the remaining three of "The Four Gods") and 3 daughters (Tapo, Hina, and Laka.) Their 3 daughters married their 3 sons. 
• Word for "woman" in Hawaiian languae is "wahine"

KANALOA:

• One of "The Four Gods"
• Son of Kane and Na Wahine
• God of the South
• God of the ocean, which I guess also gives him control of mana, which makes him the god of disease (both giving it and taking it away.)
• Husband of Tapo
• Christian Missionaries interpreted Kanaloa to be The Devil

TAPO (Kapo):

• Daughter of Kane and Na Wahine
• Wife of Kanaloa
• Is feminine side of Kanloa's powers, i.e., she is the goddess of the ocean (specifically the South Pacific) and health
• One of the goddesses of hula

KU:

• One of "The Four Gods"
• Son of Kane and Na Wahine
• God of the North
• God of war, politics, woodlands, and crops
• Particularly worshipped by royalty, warriors, and craftsmen
• Husband of Hina
• Sometime around the 11th century he became the principal deity of the Hawaiian people and was the patron deity of King Kamehameha the Great
• He is associated with the "dry" season in Hawaii (around December to August)
• His rise in prominence as a deity resulted in an increased separation and subjugation of women across the islands

HINA:

• Daughter of Kane and Na Wahine
• Wife of Ku
• Is the feminine side of Ku (goddess of war, politics, and woodlands)
• Called upon to aide pyschological healing
• Mother of Maui (a prominent demi-god)
• A dual goddess with two heads, one for day and one for night
• Guarded the underworld

LONO:

• One of "The Four Gods"
• Son of Kane and Na Wahine
• God of the East
• God of learning, intelllect, wisdom, medicine, agriculture, fertility, and peace
• Husband of Laka
• He is associated with the "wet" season in Hawaii (around September to November)
• The end of the year, Lono's time, was a time of feasting, peace, tax payments to the royalty (ali'i), and fertility
• The Hawaiians mistook Captain Cook to be Lono on his initial contact wtih the islands, as his arrival coincided with the arrival of the time of Lono (more on that story hopefully later.)

LAKA:

• Daughter of Kane and Na Wahine
• Wife of Lono
• Is the feminine side of Lono (goddess of peace, fertility, and agriculture)
• A prominent goddess of hula

Image from libguides.huntingdon.edu. The Goddess Pele.

Other Important Deities:

WAKEA:

• The god (Father) of the Earth
• Prevailing god for all of the gods and goddesses associated with nature
• Married to Papa

PAPA (Haumea, Ka-luahine):

• The goddess (Mother) of the Earth
• Prevailing goddess of all nature deities, second only to Wakea
• Married to Wakea

HONUA:

• Daughter of Wakea and Papa
• The spiritual being that is literally the Earth
• Mother of the goddess Pele

PELE:

• Daughter of Honua (The Earth)
• Goddess of fire, volcanoes, lightning, and wind
• Often referred to as "Madame Pele" or "Tutu (grandmother) Pele" out of respect
• One of the best known Hawaiian deities, both on the islands and off. She is still a subject of much contemporary artwork
• She is often portrayed as jealous, envious, and petty
• She has many siblings, also associated with various elements such as wind, rain, fire, waves, and clouds. She is often in competition or in a rivalry against one or many of her siblings
• Her home is in the crater of Kilauea on the Big Island, but her domain is all of the volcanoes on the islands
• "The Curse of Pele" is a superstition that is still prominent today. The curse follows any foreigner to the islands who takes something without permission (such as a rock or shell, or of course, stealing something.) The curse is basically that bad things will happen to that person until they return what they have unrightfully taken.

MAUI:

• Son of Hina and the god who is the "supporter of heavens" (I couldn't find his name)
• He is known as "The Shark God" because he looks half human, half shark. Also supposedly his father held some sway over the sharks and Maui asked him to help keep the sharks from messing with humans' lives too much
• A bit of a trickster god, he was always working to deceive the gods and his siblings, often for the benefit of humanity
• He is credited with being the creator of the islands. The legend is that he was out fishing with his brothers when he tricked them (the story here varies as to why he tricked them) into paddling as hard as the can while he (with a special hook his father gave him) essentially fished the islands from the sea. As soon as his brothers stopped paddling (again for varying reasons) the hook line went slack and Maui stopped pulling up lands. He supposedly was going to create a whole continent, but since his brothers stopped rowing, he only created the Hawaiian archipelago
• He is also credited with raising the sky to more comfortable height for humans to live under and for lengthening the days on the bequest of his mother Hina by slowing down the sun.
• He is one of the greatest loved gods among human, despite him being only a demi-god, and thus less powerful. The island Maui was named after him.

Image from sites.google.com. Maui pulling the islands from the sea.

Some other important facts about the Hawaiian religion:

• Kahiki is the land of the gods, where they typically dwell and thus the source of creation. It is beieved to be a reference to Tahiti, where it is widely believed the first Hawaiians are from.
• Kahuna are spiritual and mystical people who are in a close relationship with the gods or one particular patron deity. They were spiritual advisors (priests) to the royalty (ali'i)
• Kapu are religious laws. They are largely what governed the Hawaiian islands up until King Kamehameha II around 1820 AD. It was not uncommon for someone who has broken a kapu to be sentenced to death. If such a criminal were to make it to a place of refuge (pu'uhonua) and there be ritually cleansed, then they were no longer subject to punishment for their previous crimes.
• Hieau are the religious temples of the native Hawaiians. They were places of ceremony and often dedicated to a particular patron deity. Women were not allowed on hieau for about 2000 years.
• Hula is a commonly known dance associated with the Hawaiian islands. It likely originated as a ritualistic dance to appease deities such as Lono and Pele; over the years it turned into a common form of entertainment and celebration and as such was performed outside of hieau.
• Native Hawaiian society largely relied on a caste system. The caste system was designed on which people had the most mana. Naturally, the ali'i (royalty,) kahuna (spiritual advisors,) and warriors had the most, in that order. Craftsmen and farmers had more midde rankings, where as the kauw were essentially the "untouchable" caste. It was thought that the kauw had no mana, and thus were forced to live seperately from everyone else so as to not drain them of their mana. 
• Mana was seen as a feminine force. Men were thought to be in the domain of form whereas women were in the domain of energy. Therfore men could not be persuaded to action without the feminine force. Likewise, women would be nothing without the creations and actions of men. It is in this way that men and women are seen to be co-dependent.
• As could probably be seen from the geneology of gods above, incest was not an entirely uncommon practice amongst the elites of ancient Hawaii. If one's family had a lot of mana it made sense to simply marry one's sister and thus keep the mana strong within the family. This is obviously still not practiced today.

Image from claremont.collegiatelink.net. Hula dancers.

Sources (other than my class):

• http://www.ancienthuna.com/gods_diagram.htm
• http://hawaii-guide.info/past.and.present/religion/
• https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawaiian_religion
• http://www.darksites.com/souls/pagan/lana/gods.html
• https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Māui_(Hawaiian_mythology)
• https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pele_(deity)

Fruit of the Week: Buddha's Hand

Fruit of the Week

Buddha's Hand

Our selection for this week's "Fruit of the Week" was chosen based on the simple matter of us not having really tried any other fruit this week.  We bought it a while ago at the Kalapana night market, and then basically didn't eat it. It definitely looks intriguing, and has a definite citrus attitude about it. However, we never really put any thought or effort into figuring out how to eat it until it was molding and partially devoured by ants.

Rachel was the most curious about the Buddha's Hand (she's the one who bought it in the first place.) She says that it tastes like sweet lemon peel. She think it would have been lovely candied, if only she had the motivation to have done so. She also sas that she would have needed sugar, along with motivation, to candy the Buddha's Hand, and she didn't have any of that either.

Tamarah responded to me asking her about her thoughts on the Buddha's Hand by saying that we never ate it. Which was right to the point. She then acted confused when I smiled at her and began typing what she said. She then said "We didn't..." half doubting her memory, even though she was entirely correct.

I had taken a picture of our own Buddha's Hand but it's on Tam's phone which is in the car and I don't particularly feel like going out and getting it right now. This photo I nabbed via the google machine and belongs to specialtyproduce.com

Go Big (Island): Venturing Around the Island to Escape the Rain

So it's been rainy here the past couple weeks. Very very very rainy. Not just friendly drizzle rain, but ungodly heavy downpour rain. So much rain that it's making all of us a bit itchy. When I say "all of us," I do not just mean the three of us, but all of the people around us. Everybody at the farm. Everybody in Hilo. Everybody on the eastern side of the island.

On top of that, there's been an outbreak of Dengue Fever on the island. Dengue is not endemic to Hawaii, and thus likely arrived to the island via the bloodstream of a tourist who contracted it elsewhere. Dengue is spread through mosquitos, like Malaria, and is not contagious person to person (unless, I suppose, an infected person rubs an open wound on the open wound of an uninfected person.) The symptoms are similar to that of the flu, but like, a really bad flu. A couple weeks ago there were 7 people infected; today it's somewhere around 80 and climbing. So that's fun.

I don't mean to complain. I guess we're just realizing that paradise can only remain paradisiacal for so long, before it just becomes the place you live and have to deal with so much GODDAMN PERPETUAL RAIN.

This post is mostly going to be about a whirlwind time of activities and adventure we had this past weekend. If you read the previous post about how I wasn't feeling well during this particular escapade, let's all just push that out of our minds while reading this post. Because despite my own particular demons this past weekend, it was really a rather splendid time.

After Riley left we didn't do very much. We might have done some things but I honestly can't remember. The days all blur together because everyday is the same and SO GODDAMN WET.

So on Friday we left on a small adventure, mostly (or entirely) planned by Rachel and Tamarah. The easiest way for us to escape the rainforest that we live in is to simply drive to Kona, which thanks to the rain shadow created by the volcanoes is really rather dry, almost like a desert.

Rachel and Tam on top of a sea arch

On Friday afternoon we drove to the Sheraton where we lost (and then found) the dive light that went missing as mentioned in the previous post. After picking up the light we decided to stick around the Captain Cook area and explored the coast near Pu'uhonua o Honaunau National Historical Park. The coast largely consisted of semi-rough lava rock that was riddled with collapsed lava tubes that filled with water from the tides. The water that flowed into and out of the lava tubes eventually eroded their entrance/exit holes to the extent that they became arches. So, essentially, the coast was filled with dynamic pockets in lava rock where ocean would rush in, gurgle and gush and slurp, then be sucked back out; spattered amongst these cavities were natural bridges and arches of lava rock poised over tumultuous waves. It was all quite fascinating.

After our little walk along the coast we went into Pu'uhonua o Honaunau National Historical Park. Our guidebook suggested that we get there just before sunset, which we did. The park exists to preserve a site of extraordinary historical and spiritual importance for Hawaiians. In the time when native Hawaiians ruled the islands, it was not uncommon for people who committed crimes to be sentenced to death as punishment. If the persecuted person could escape to a place of refuge, and there perform important cleansing religious rituals, they would be allowed back into society without any further consequences from their past crime. Pu'uhonua o Honaunau was a refuge such as this. The site today mainly contains reconstructions of what the site likely looked like in its hay day, but it also contained a lot of authentic carvings from the ancient Hawaiians who lived there. Supposedly right next to or behind the site or something was a giant palace where a lot of important ali'i (chiefs/leaders) lived throughout history.

A traditional Hawaiian hut in the place of refuge

I was really craving a burger, so we went to a joint called Annie's that could have easily existed in Boulder (and had the feel of the Mountain Sun/Southern Sun restaurants) and had incredibly peppy staff. We enjoyed our food there and then stayed at a gentleman's apartment that we found via couch surfing named Brian. The 3 of us shared his pull-out couch and then woke up at 5 am to get Rachel to her race in downtown Kona.

Rachel up on the "podium" after the half marathon

She participated in the inaugural 100% Kona Coffee Half Marathon. It took her 2 hours and 3 minutes to complete it, and she got third in her age division (females 20-29.) We were very proud of her. While Tamarah and I were waiting for Rachel we ate breakfast at this very very pleasant cafe called Huggo's on the Rocks. It was almost entirely outside, and the seating area was right next to the ocean and had soft beach sand as a floor.

After Rachel's marathon we started making our way north to Kawaihae to return the dive light to the dive shop. On our way we pulled off of the highway about half way in between Kona and Kawaihae to a little beach park that I honestly can't remember the name of. The beach had almost no sand but instead round ocean-worn lava rock and coral. There was a sea turtle on the beach there, which we found to be very exciting. The poor thing blended into the beach very well and almost got stepped on about 10 times, but we were watching out for him, making sure he could get his nap in the sun.

Sea turtle on the beach. The Hawaiian word for sea turtle is Honu

We returned the light in Kawaihae then immediately started driving to the southeast part of the island, to the town of Pahoa, where the rest of our adventure awaited. Pahoa is widely regarded as the most "hippy" or "granola" part of the island...essentially it's a smaller, more tropical version of Boulder. We used couch surfing again to find a place to stay. We were very lucky and the gentleman named Beto who took us in gave us an entire vacation rental house to ourselves, as he had no one renting it at the time. We were so overwhelmed at this miraculous opportunity...to sleep in a warm and dry place all to ourselves with internet and power and potable water and everything. We just stayed in that night and immersed ourselves in our more civilized environment.

The next day (Sunday) we woke up and went to Pahoa's farmer's market, which was incredible. There were a lot of booths, a lot of yummy food, and a really pleasant vibe. Unfortunately we were only able to stay there for a little bit, as we were more interested in making our way to the coast near Kalapana for an ecstatic dancing experience. Sanji had told us about the ecstatic dancing soon after we first arrived to the island, and we were finally able to make it to the meeting. It took place at what I gathered to be a yoga retreat place called Kalani. It cost $15, which was kinda bum, but the experience itself was really interesting. It took place in a large, open space, and there were about 200 or so people present (of which I'd say roughly 98% were white.) The ecstatic dance itself was led by a DJ who played electronic music for about 2 hours or so. The music initially mainly consisted of what I would describe as electronic tantric trance music, but then shifted to more mainstream electronic (more like what you would hear in a club,) and he even played songs like Prince's "Kiss." It was a rather interesting experience. The dancing itself was fun, as everyone danced in a rather uninhibited manner...which meant that watching other people dance was almost just as fun as the dancing itself. It was all quite cathartic.

After dancing we went to a nearby beach, which seemed to have attracted most of the population of the ecstatic dance group. Getting to the beach required a bit of scramble down some cliffs. On the beach itself there was a rather extensive drum circle (in that there were probably 20-40 people participating at any point, and lasted for hours,) and a heady handful of people in the nude. That likewise was quite a pleasant cultural experience. I saw a bumper sticker for Pahoa that I thought summed up our impression of the people rather well; it read: "We're all here because we're not all there." I hope it's okay that I find that funny, as I'm not a part of the community of Pahoa...but it is rather wonderfully apt.

Ahalanui Park. The ocean is behind the wall on the back left.

Our host from the previous night graciously let us stay in his vacation rental for a second night. We gladly returned to that haven and had another lazy night in. The next morning we had a slow time getting going, and eventually moseyed our way to Ahalanui Park, which was a public beach park that had a large man made pool. The pool collected both ocean water and hot spring water and thus was a pleasant tepid temperature. We even found some of the hot water vents, to hang out in, and Rachel and I swam for a little bit in a pool off of the main one that was significantly warmer.

After the beach we pretty much just drove right back to Hilo and Honomu. We were greeted by some rain. It was saying, welcome home.

Tomorrow we fly to Oahu to meet up with the one and only Michael "Fresh Produce" Gerard and Tamarah's family. We're looking forward to exploring a different Hawaii, the one most commonly seen on post cards. We're also looking forward to seeing what nightlife Honolulu has to offer, and to spending Thanksgiving with the Howards and Mr. Gerard.

Some Notes from the Past Week:

• I forgot to note som notes from last week in the previous blog post
• I think that's because things just don't stand out as much as they used to...we've become used to things around here now
• There's this one spot on the highway in between Hilo and Honomu that smells like orchid around 8 at night, when it's not raining. We enjoy it quite a lot.
• Construction of the TMT telescope on Mauna Kea has been indefinitely delayed by the Supreme Court (rumor has it because the people constructing TMT skimped on their environmental evaluation.)
• I've been reading the sequel to Ender's Game in the Shadow series called Ender's Shadow. I quite enjoyed it. There are 2 different series that act as sequel series to Ender's Game, and it was suggested to me that I read the Shadow series. I think that was exemplary advice. 
• Tam's been reading books about psychology, including a book about how we perceive time, the sibling bond, and the sociology of mental illness.
• Rachel's been reading the book I mentioned early on in the blog, The Shark Diaries, that is historical fiction about Hawaii. She seems to be enjoying it.
• For some reason I have been inexplicably spellbound by the song "The Hills" by The Weeknd and really enjoying listening to Childish Gambino (who can not love Donald Glover?) and Atmosphere.
• On a semi-related note, we've all found an enhanced appreciation for reggae music since moving here

Some Thoughts on (My) Anxiety

Hello friends, family, friends of friends, family of friends, and friends of family,

This post is going to be far more personal than any of the other posts, which up to this point I have really tried to keep as sort of travel journal-like. This is going to be an entirely personal blog post, and so to those who don't know me personally, and only read this blog because you know Tam or Rachel, or are just curious how you should GO BIG on the Big Island, this probably won't be an entirely interesting post for you to read.

Unless, of course, you also suffer from anxiety or are close to someone who does.

Recently an event occurred in my life that triggered a bout of anxiety. I don't feel that it would be appropriate to detail the situation that was the said trigger, but it was of a personal nature. The anxiety that followed was interesting for several reasons:
1) I was hopeful that living in this healing place with no daily sources of stress would have resulted in me being able to deal with anxiety when it reared its ugly head, and it clearly did not.
2) I typically deal with my spirals into becoming an anxious mess by removing myself from the people around me, so that I can deal with whatever ugly things spring from my ego during such times; that was not something I could do this time.
3) Having no work, schoolwork, television, etc, to distract my thoughts while I'm feeling anxious meant that I could more clearly and coherently analyze my thoughts and actions during this time.

I feel that it would be appropriate for me to describe how I feel during my anxiety "episodes" (I call this an episode, and not an attack, as it is a sensation that lasts for several days, and is persistant but arguably controllable, whereas an attack usually lasts a few hours or shorter and is entirely outside of any sort of control, for the most part.) I have been dealing with anxiety for 6 years now. It has always manifested most notably in physical sensations. These sensations are primarily the feeling that I can't breathe properly (that my feeling is shallow, even it isn't,) nausea, and fatigue. I also become rather raw...I am almost completely unable to filter my emotions or thoughts, let alone what I say to other people.

Considering how uncomfortable, self-concious, and insecure I feel when I'm anxious, it shouldn't be surprising that what happens when I interact with other people is usually not polite and measured conversations. I have a tendency to be blunt even when I'm feeling healthy, and this trait is multiplied many-fold so that I can become rude, even abrasive, and this instigates feelings of incredible remorse (because I consistently strive to not be unkind to others,) which in turn fuels more feelings of insecurites, which in turn fuels more anxiety, and thus more nastiness from me. It's an entiely unfortunate positive feedback loop for every one involved, which is why I tend to shy away from interacting wtih people when I feel the anxiety coming on.

This time, however, my episode coincided with a lovely trip that Rachel and Tamarah had planned to explore the island a bit. The trip was to last 3 nights and days, all of us of course together all of the time. Realizing I wasn't feeling well, I thought that I should stay behind, at least for the first day and a half of the trip. Tamarah and Rachel convinced me to go, arguing (reasonably) that the incessant rain that has been plaguing Hilo and Honomu the past couple weeks might be part to blame, and that I should get out to Kona and Pahoa, where it was sure to be more sunny, Sunlight had always made me feel better, so I agreed to tag along with them.

Sometimes I was okay--the first day was kind of rough for everyone, but I slowly became more competent at controlling my emotions, and thus I tried desperately hard to not bring Rachel and Tam down too much. But it was hard--I needed time alone, to process my emotions as I do everytime I feel anxious; it was hard because I felt like a burden to the other ladies; it was hard because neither of them have (fortuanately) had the unfortune of experiencing anxiety, so they could not relate to me. I felt as though they were tiptoeing around me, which of course was a correct reaction on their part, but made me feel ridiculous. I was petulant, irritable, and my sense of humor was all but gone.

I don't like mysef when I'm like that. I mean, who would? I used to have a pretty bad temper, and I was fairly arrogant for most of my life. Those traits are still definitely a part of me, but I try to monitor them, to control them, so that when they do rear their heads, it's in a way that the people close to me can almost find them endearing. I try to be patient, thoughtful, a good listener, and a good friend. There's this idea in Greek philosophy of "arete," or "personal excellence." I learned about this my sophomore year of high school and it is something that continues to pervade my thoughts, especially when I am definitely NOT my personal best. I strive to not be a hypocrite, to be the type of genuine person that I hope the people around me to be.

My anxiety is my own persistent reminder that I can not achieve personal excellence. Sometimes I find it really really very hard to process stress and emotions like those around me seem to do with ease. I choose to surround myself with people who I admire, and I look at these people, and I wish to be like them. Most of my friends in college also worked 30+ hours per week along with taking 4 or 5 classes. They all had to balance their social life, their school work, their work work, and their health, and they all did it SO WELL. I learned in high school (when my anxiety first manifested) that I can't pile everything I possibly want to on to my plate; I can't handle it. But I ignored that lesson time and time again because I was embarrassed. Why can't I handle it? Every one always tells me their impressed with me because I put so much on myself and do it all well. Well, I can't handle it well. Is there any reason for people to admire me if I can't handle these things? Is there any reason for me to admire myself if I can't achieve my personal excellence?

So these pressures sit on my shoulders, making me tight. I shied away from things where I would be compared to others (except school,) which often meant that I did no sort of physical activity. My friends would often invite me to go hiking or climbing with them, and more often than not I refused. I did not want to be slower than them hiking, did not want to be clumsier than them climbing, and have them see me as weak. Not that they would ever think of me that way, as they are lovely people. But I didn't want to slow them down in any way; my fear at not being perceived as excellent thus caused this twisted source of anxiety.

Thank goodness I have such wonderful friends and families and teachers and coworkers. Like I said, I choose to surround myself with those who I admire, people who are genuine and flawed but by all means real and shining and beautiful. If I didn't have such people in my life, I would be a complete mess and a half. Instead these people see me becoming insecure, arrogant, quick-tempered, or desperately clinging to the things that make me comfortable, and they quietly encourage me to grow. They encourage me through example, themselves all being wonderful people. They encourage me through soft appraisals. They encourage me through their honesty and their loyalty and their trustworthiness.

This is all so personal, and even to me kind of seems like a list of excuses for when I am not being that great of a person. But, at the same time, mental illness is real...my anxiety is real, even if it isn't greatly understood by those who don't know the experience. I was actually thinking about how best to describe the feeling of persistent anxiety to those who don't know the feeling themselves. For every person it's different, but I would say that what I experience is akin to a persistent dull sense of panic. Like when you sleep in late and realize you're late to class or work... Or when you thought you weren't on the work schedule so you don't come in only to get a call from your boss wondering where you are...Or you get a call in the middle of the night from someone who hasn't been doing well, afraid that something's wrong... Pick your sense of panic, but that clenching of the stomach, accelearation of breathing, inability to think clearly, inablility to process your emotions, all that happens in those moments of panic that you feel? That's what I feel, all day, every day, in the back of my brain. It weighs me down, tires me out, makes me want to not leave my bed.

If I don't give myself some sort of break when I feel like this, it just gets worse. It becomes a downward spiral. I realize I'm feeling worse, which scares me, which makes me feel worse, which scares me worse, until I am unable to do anything. That is often when the attacks happen. An attack for me often looks like hyperventilation, subsequent light-headedness and nausea, and sometimes crying. If it lasts for long enough it becomes hard for me to proess the the reality of doing ANYTHING compentently, which includes sitting up, drinking water, getting food,  moving around, anything. The thought of doing anything at all is completely overwhelming to me, seeing how inept I am at controlling the most basic of my thoughts and emotions.

People sometimes wonder if I have tricks for dealing with it. The honest answer is, not really. Therapy didn't work, medication didn't work, meditation doesn't really work, eating well, excercising consistenty, being unemployed in Hawaii, none of that seems to make it any better, on a consistent level. Of course I feel better, generally, now than I did in college, when I had no money, was living paycheck to paycheck, worked one or two jobs the whole time, had two majors and a minor, and was largely responsible for managing a house that had 27 people move in and out of it, all told, during my time living there. But that is why this most recent episode is so striking--I should not be able to slip so easily into an anxious wreck here. But slip I did.

So I guess my tricks are to focus on the good things when I feel good. To appreciate and love the people who love me, to listen to good music, to read compelling books, to watch funny and thought-provoking shows and movies, to snuggle animals, to hear the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the trees, to smell the orchids on that one part of the highway at night, to stare in amazement at the milkyway, to float in the ocean water and feel the gentle push of the tides, to relish the coziness of wearing sweaters when its cool, to appreciate the feeling of breathing easily.

I think I might try therapy again...I also plan on moving to a zen center for 6 months, so that probably won't hurt either.

If anyone read this whole thing, thank you. I guess I just wrote it as my own therapeutic exercise...it's always important for me to look at what I struggle with alongside with what I have to be thankful for. To remind myself that even though it's sometimes hard, everyone has it hard. My anxiety episode coincided wtih the attacks on Paris and Baghdad, and I look at the people affected by such tragedies, and I am humbled. I look at the refugees fleeing Syria, the Muslims across the world being persecuted as the extremists they have nothing  in common with, the people batttling chonic diseases, the orphans, the hungry, the depressed, and I have nothing to complain about. It is a good reminder. All that we can do is continue to strive for our own arete, our own personal excellence, and to encourage that of those around us.

I also want to thank Tamarah and Rachel for being patient with me all of the time, and for making me laugh, and for encouraging me to adveture and be better. I love you.